Flying Too Close to the Sun

Pippa

My baby had cancer. It's what nightmares were made of. When something was bothering one of my kids, I fixed it. I always fixed it. But I couldn't fix this. There was nothing I could do but just hold her and pray for the cancer to go away.

Raina was constantly exhausted, so school was still out of the question. She seemed to be more upset about that than when we finally sat her down and explained to her what was happening. Raina just wanted to do her normal activities like any other kid. We tried to keep her life as normal as possible. We did school with her at home so she didn't fall behind. She was a smart kid so I knew she'd be fine. Her teacher was great about sending us work. Raina's class even made Get Well Soon cards, which we put around her room.

The most horrible thing was having to take Raina to the hospital for her treatments. At first, she was too out of it and weak to really protest what was going on. Now, she knew what to expect. She hated getting her IV put in and hated the medicine. Her hair quickly started falling out and she got sick in the afternoons. Seeing your child suffer was awful. Lin and I clung to each other.

One evening, Raina was asleep in our bed and we laid on either side of her. Lin gently rubbed her back as we both just laid with her. The poor kid was exhausted and didn't fully understand why we had to take her into the hospital.

"Are you taking her to her appointment tomorrow?" I asked softly. Lin nodded.

"Last time I had to help hold her down while they put in the IV," he told me. "It was awful."

"I bet," I said softly. There was a knock at the door.

"Mommy?" It was Felix.

"Yeah, sweetheart?" I pushed myself up and turned to look at him.

"I don't feel good," he told me.

"Come here," I motioned for him to walk over. Felix walked over in his PJs and I lifted him up on the bed. I laid on my back and he settled in with me. I gently played with his short, dark hair. "What doesn't feel good?"

"My tummy," he said.

"I'm sorry, bud," I said. "Do you feel like throwing up?"

"Maybe," he said. "Did I catch what Raina has?"

Lin and I looked at each other. "No, buddy," I told him gently. "You can't catch cancer. You probably just have an upset tummy. It'll pass soon."

"When's Raina gonna get better?" he asked.

"Hopefully soon," I told him. "But we don't know when exactly."

"I want her to come back to school," he said as I continued to play with his hair.

"I know," I said. "She'll come back as soon as she can."

We all just laid there together quietly, the only sound was the sound of our breathing. It was peaceful, and I pretended we were just cuddling, completely healthy. Raina was fine and she just wanted to cuddle. No matter how much I wished, it wasn't true.

The next day, I took the kids to school, leaving Raina at home with Lin. I wanted to talk with Felix's teacher before school started to see how he was doing. Both Lin and I were worried about how was handling his sister's illness. Molly and Cam were both worried and scared, but we could explain things to them. We'd sat them down and explained the illness to them and how Raina would be treated. It seemed to help being completely honest with them. We'd told them there was a very good chance she'd be completely fine, but there was a small chance she might not survive.