Flying Too Close to the Sun

Pippa

           

I was a tense mess the next morning, waiting for Raina's test results.  I was so tense that I was being really short with the kids.

"Mom, where's that cardigan?" Molly asked me, looking around frantically.

"I don't know, Molly," I told her, my tone impatient.  "Where you last left it probably."

"I asked you to iron it last night!" she reminded me, going through a pile of clothes on the dryer.

"Molly, I've had other things on my mind," I told her honestly as I packed snacks for the twins.

"Yeah, I know," she said, with an attitude.  She found it, but it was wrinkled.

"Hey!" I snapped.  "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing," she muttered.

Lin tried to swoop in to help.  "Molly, we've got some wrinkle releaser.  Let's try that."

Molly gratefully took Lin's help as I stuffed some Goldfish crackers into plastic bags.  I put them in each twin's backpack.

"Felix, Raina, find your shoes," I told them.  They were both still at the table eating breakfast, taking their time today.  It was like the universe was descending to make me more anxious.

"But I'm not done yet!" Felix complained.

"Shoes!  Now!" I told them.  Felix started crying and I leaned my elbows on the counter, putting my hands in my face.  Lin picked up our son to comfort him, whispering something.  I immediately felt awful.

"Felix, I'm sorry," I told him.  "Mommy's just a little worried this morning."

He rubbed at his eyes as Lin held him.

"Will you forgive me?" I asked him as I held out my arms.  He nodded and reached for me, so Lin transferred him to my arms.  The twins were almost too big to carry now, but I would try for as long as I could.  I hugged my son and kissed his cheek.

"Good boy," I told him gently.  "Now, will you please go find your shoes so you're not late to school?"

He nodded and I set him down on the ground.  He and Raina both found their shoes and managed to get them on the right feet.  I knelt down and got a hug and kiss from both of them. Molly and Cam told us goodbye and soon everyone was gone.  I felt Lin's hand on my upper back, rubbing.

"You okay?" he asked gently.

"No," I told him honestly, turning around for a hug.  I let my cheek rest against his as he just held me.  My problems were always a little more tolerable in his arms.

"I'm sure it'll be negative," he told me, trying to reassure me.

"You don't know that," I reminded him.  He didn't try to shower me with more empty hopeful words.  We both knew it was a possibility her cancer was back.  After he'd held me for a couple minutes, he pulled back and kissed my forehead.

"C'mon," he urged me.  "Let's get out of the apartment.  It'll take your mind off things."

I agreed, so we finished getting ready and found our shoes.  We walked around a park close to our place, holding hands, then went to a coffee shop to relax for a while.  I treated myself to a pastry and latte.  Lin tried to talk about things other than the kids.  I was grateful he was making the effort, but I kept glancing down at my phone, which was face-up on the table.

"Where's your phone?" I asked him.

"In my pocket.  Why?"

"Maybe you should have it out, just in case they call you," I suggested.  He looked at me a moment, then must have realized it would help calm my anxiety.  He reached into his pocket and set it face-up on the table, next to mine.