Flying Too Close to the Sun

Pippa

Our plane touched down in Memphis in the late afternoon. Raina had slept most of the time during the ride. I carried her off the plane and struggled to tug her along with our two suitcases. I realized, though, that I had brought this on myself. I had insisted on bringing her here. Even if Lin had been supportive of the decision, he couldn't have come with me. With four children, one of us had to be at home.

Raina was tearful and whiny as I hailed a cab to our hotel. A bellboy thankfully helped me with our cases. I tipped him and then set Raina down on one of the big beds. Two big beds and only two of us. The hotel room felt lonely and I suddenly felt like crying.

As Raina slept, I unpacked our things, putting clothes in the drawers and setting out our toiletries. We'd be here for a while after all. I texted Lin that we'd arrived and he said all was well at home. I wondered how true that was. I knew Molly was upset that I was leaving. Felix and Cam would be fine with Lin, but Molly was mine. She loved Lin, but he wasn't her real dad.

With nothing else to do, I turned on the TV to pass the time. When Raina woke up later hungry and cranky, we went down to the hotel's restaurant. I insisted on her eating healthy and didn't let her get ice cream. She lost it and started crying loudly.

Raina wasn't a difficult child, but if she was tired, watch out. All ability to reason with her was gone. I quickly paid the bill and carried her back up to our bedroom. I didn't like the idea of giving her a bath in a hotel tub, so I gave her a quick shower, which she didn't like. The kid had had a rough day.

I'd packed about five picture books so we could continue our usual bedtime routine. I climbed into bed next to her and read her two books aloud. That night, I tossed and turned a lot, nervous about the next day. What would the doctors say? What would they do differently?

Our appointment was at 9:30 in the morning, which left us plenty of time. Raina awoke around 8:00. We went down to breakfast and I insisted she have some fruit. I filled out paperwork at the hospital while Raina played on the iPad.

The morning was filled with tests and poking and prodding. Raina was a trooper about it. I promised her ice cream that afternoon if she was good. A little after noon, we were done for the day and ready to get lunch. I knew she wouldn't have much energy, but I took her to a park afterwards to get some fresh air. After a while, she got tired so I just held her as we sat on the bench and enjoyed the weather.

Around 4:00 I knew the kids would be home from school, so I FaceTimed Lin. He answered smiling, knowing it would be Raina.

"Hi, sweetheart," he grinned over the phone.

"Daddy!" Raina exclaimed.

Lin asked Raina what they'd done since we were here. She told him about the hotel restaurant and that she'd been a brave girl today so she'd gotten ice cream. Lin praised her for being brave and I could tell he missed her terribly. Soon, other faces appeared next to him. Cam and Molly said a quick hello to their sister, but Felix sat on Lin's lap for a longer chat.

Felix told his sister what had happened at school that day and showed her a scrape he'd gotten that day at recess. He requested that I kiss it, so I pressed a quick kiss to the screen at that seemed to satisfy him. After a while he got distracted as he usually did, and so did Raina. Lin and I spoke for a few minutes.

"How's she doing?" he asked me.

"She's fine," I told him. "She was pretty cranky yesterday after all the travelling but better today."

He nodded, and I noticed that his facial expression had changed a bit now that it was only me. Any guise of being happy was gone. He didn't have to pretend for me. We were two parents in hell, and on top of that we were fighting.