Who's Fault?

Chapter Two

I headed straight upstairs when I got home; work was exhausting. We were short bussers, so we had to buss our tables on top of serving. Also, we were busy as hell, since it was karaoke night. There was nothing I wanted more than to run to my bed and pass the fuck out, but I wanted to get a head start on my homework, so there wasn't any way I would get behind this weekend. Yeah, it was only Thursday and even though I didn't have class on Fridays I did have to work all day, and most of the weekend. So, I pulled everything I needed out of my backpack and started working.

A few hours later, I had reached my goal that I had set for myself for the night. I picked up my phone off the coffee table and saw I had gotten a text, I assumed, from Eli that said 'wanna meet up tomorrow 4 the project?'

I replied with 'sure, as long as you're an early bird. I have to work most of the day' then put my phone in my back pocket and walked into the kitchen to see what I had to eat. I only then realized that it was 2 a.m. and decided to turn in for the night, thinking that Eli was going to kill me for texting him so late, oh well.

My eyes shot open the next morning and my breathing was heavy. I thought of things to keep my mind focused and busy. I tried reciting song lyrics in my head and counting down from 30 simultaneously. It didn't work at first, but eventually my breathing slowed, and everything was normal again. I went into the bathroom, splashed some water on my face, and did my business before going back to my room and making the bed. I picked my phone up from the bedside table and noticed I had another text from Eli saying, 'hey partner! want to meet up at 9:30? your place or mine?'

He was a happy morning person, I could already tell. Before responding, I looked at the time - 8:28. 'Yeah. That sounds good. Your place?' After he agreed, and we worked out some details for getting together, I started the process for getting ready for my day.

I looked through my closet for an outfit to wear. Deciding on a band tee, jeans, and converse, I brought it out onto my bed, connected my phone to my speaker, and then went to take a shower. As I shampooed, conditioned, and washed, my thoughts drifted to how things used to be. Suddenly, my mind was consumed in darkness, and my heart felt heavy. My thoughts turned against me, but I tried to ignore them. I tried to make them stop, to gain control. But I couldn't. I never could.

Immediately, anything that didn't have to do with staying in the shower or lounging in bed all day seemed like a chore. My want to get anything done disappeared and I was stuck pushing myself to do simple tasks. After I forced my body out of the shower, I completely avoided sitting or lying down on any furniture, even though I really wanted to. I contemplated texting Eli and canceling for the day, but what was I going to say? 'Hey, turns out I can't meet up today. My depression has got in the way of my motivation to do anything. Maybe we can try for tomorrow? Haha, sorry!'

I didn't think so.

So, I willed my body to move, to get dressed, to put my bracelets I wear every day on, to eat something. I went through the motions. I made myself do things while my mind was in a constant state of you are worthless, you are wrong, you are not good enough, you are nothing, you are better off dead.

Before I knew it, there was a knock on the front door. Shit, I thought to myself. I grabbed my backpack and rushed downstairs. When I opened the door, I saw Eli standing right in front of me wearing a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt.t

Saying hey, I closed and locked the front door behind me. I took a few deep breaths and thought to myself, you can do this.

No, I can't. I can't do anything right.

"Ready to go?" Eli asked me. I smiled and nodded my head, following him to his car and getting as comfortable as possible in the passenger seat. I didn't trust my voice; to be honest, all I really wanted to do was turn around, run upstairs, and throw myself on to the closest piece of furniture to sob dramatically like all the Disney princesses did when they were upset or subjected to something unfair.