Poems

Gone in a Blink of an Eye

I did this for a competition so yeah...

I was twelve for god's sake. Why the hell did I have to live through something so- so paralyzing? Unable to move in fear that I would forget her. I mean how could I? Her onslaught of kisses that never seemed to end, the loving look in her eyes, and that safe place she resonated where ever she was. How could I forget the moment I lost that? The moment I lost her.

I was at camp making new friends, experiencing and learning new things. The second week I felt a little off and sent a letter asking my mom if everything was OK. She told me that everything was fine and that the dogs missed me. She lied. One of the dogs, Drake, had passed away before she even received the letter, and my Nana was in the hospital on her deathbed. Everything was "OK" she said. No. Everything was falling apart and I was oblivious to it. (pause)

A week later, after Saturday shabbat services, I was told that my mother called with urgent news. So there I was, in the director's office fiddling with a phone cord listening to my mother hold back her tears discussing the dire situation. My Nana was going to die and I had two choices: stay at camp or leave the next day to go see her and say goodbye. I never got the chance to say goodbye either way. She passed the morning before I could even leave the camp.

I regretted going to that camp for so long. If I had just stayed home that summer I would have gotten to say goodbye to Nana and my dog Drake. I decided that I would never go back to that camp afraid that I would lose yet another loved one. I couldn't risk it.

The "what if's" came and went through my mind every single goddamn day reminding me of the mistake I made. If I had stayed home, if I had pestered my mom more making sure everything was really alright, or if I didn't find out about the camp in the first place, I would have gotten to say goodbye. My mind grabbed at any little detail teetering me closer to what I'd become.

A dying flame flickering in and out of existence. Threatened by the raging winds of regret and rain of tears shed alone. Thunder rumbled as I was beaten down by my own thoughts and lightning flashed as a new scar found its place on my skin.

Regrets broke me. They shattered what was once a smiling child ready to face the world and whatever it seemed to throw my way. And you know what! Even if I could say goodbye, what difference would that make? She would still be gone, and nothing would have changed. Regrets only let you down and make you remember what could of happened when what is happening at this very moment is more important. Since those you love can leave you in a blink of an eye.