It's taking all your strenght (Zarry /AU.) /English Version

93. Nothing but the truth

Zayn

Back at the club, I feel the usual heat and sound level. My friends are still sitting at the bar drinking. I join in and order a double vodka. I need a drink. I pour it down in one gulp. Brrr. I order another one. Ed looks at me and shakes his head.

 "You saw them, didn't you?" I do unsuspectingly. 

"Who did I see?"

 "Come on, Zayn!" Ed gives me another vodka.

 "So you're hitting the bottle, Zee?"

After the third or fourth drink I notice how the alcohol is taking effect. I am fine. I am warm and my senses are wrapped in fluffy clouds. From the corner of my eye I can see Harry and Louis. They lean against a column and laugh. Lou tenderly puts his arm around Harry. He shrugs slightly under the touch. For a short moment our eyes meet. I turn my face away.

At some point I leave the location tipsy.

Flashback Harry

When Lou kissed me at the club, I felt Zayn's gaze on my neck. He was standing right opposite us. Our eyes met briefly. There's a connection between us when we're in the same room. There is something special between us.

Zayn looked pretty serious from glassy eyes. He drank one drink after another to drown his frustration. Secretly I had to smile about it. He was jealous - very jealous. A few minutes later his seat was empty. Zayn had left.

Louis and I didn't get home until late in the morning. I stay with him. I don't like being alone.  Tired I let myself fall into the armchair and close my eyes. My eyelids are heavy. I've Zayn in my mind. When Louis comes into the living room and talks out loud, I wake up from the dream.

On his knees, he fiddles with my pants. "Lou, I'm tired," I say a little annoyed. 

"Your dearest boyfriend brings you back to life with a fantastic blow job! What do you say baby?" 

His fingers are already in my underpants and grab my dick.

 "Lou, I don't  have sex in mind right now, okay? So get your hands off me!"

 My tone may not be very friendly. But if I say it friendly, it's hopeless. Louis likes to ignore other opinions. As I said: Louis doesn't even think about it. He really tries. First he strokes my dick gently and then gets stronger and stronger. But I'm not turned on. He doesn't even have to try it with his mouth. Briefly I think about whether I should simply imagine Zayn would be in his place. No....I want Zayn himself.

 "Louis!" Let me be quite clear.

"Leave it. I'm tired and absolutely not in the mood." 

Disappointed he withdraws. 

"You're never in the mood lately. What is it?", he wants to know. He is frustrated. 

"You're avoiding me, aren't you?"

 "Lou, that's nonsense. I'm just exhausted. The day was exhausting. Honey, it's not you," I reply. I don't want to annoy him any more. I feel sorry for him.

I run into the kitchen and put the kettle on.

"Do you want some tea?"

 "No, I don't want tea. I really wanna fuck you. But you act like a spinster," he explains. 

"It's Zayn, isn't it?" I feel bitterness in his words.

 "What makes you think that?" I reply a little too quick.

"Damn it, Harry! What kind of a chump do you take me for? Do you think I didn't notice you constantly sniff around in his Twitter and Instagram account? Every information and every picture you absorb. On your IPod you playing his album up and down. If you fall asleep, I hear every single line of lyrics loud and clear." 

He now reaches for a cuppa to conceal his excitement. He lifts it and then puts it down again. Before I can comment on it, he continues his lecture. 

"For how long has that been going on between you?"

 Louis took a short break and the disappointment is written in his face.

 "What's Malik got that I don't have?," he asks louder.

 Of course, the question of all questions that nobody can really answer. It's so superfluous, I think.

"He was my best mate, Harry. Until you felt in love with him. Your holding hands behind the stage didn't remain hidden from me - if that's what you think. I tolerated all this. Yes, I tolerated it! Even when he was engaged to Perrie. That didn't stop you from getting into bed with him. No, instead you were still busy sending him love messages. I never said anything about that. Our friendship broke  because of it, because I was jealous of him. It's your fault, Harry! And when Zayn left the band, I was good enough for you again. I'm the idiot in this triangle because I fell for it. Is it like that?" Tears glitter in his eyes. 

He's absolutely right. It was and still is the same. Ashamed I look at the floor and play with my fingers. 

"Fact is, Haz, you are in love with Zayn. That became clear to me especially during the last weeks. For whatever reason...You don't love me and I'm stupid enough to take you back every time. And do you know why? Because you mean everything to me," he screams. 

"Louis...", I try to give in, because the situation becomes more and more difficult.

 "No! Don't say anything! You only make it worse." Lou sobs quietly to himself.

 "You don't sleep with me anymore, you hardly touch me anymore. Go to him, Harry and let him fool you again. Because he doesn't need you. Gigi has been his girlfriend for years and he loves her. Otherwise he would have decided for you long ago. You fell for it, again and again."

 He says these words spitefully and they hurt me. Is that true?

Now I cry too. The conversation should not end like that. And I never wanted to discuss it with him at all. But he is telling the truth. What should I say about that? What does he expect?

"What do you have to say about that, Harry? Nothing? Let's talk straight for once and don't leave me in the dark again!" 

With his clenched fist he hits the table. The cups clink and the tea spills over. A small lake forms on the table. I flinch. I have never heard him this upset. 

"Maybe you even feel something for me, Haz. But it's not enough at all. You love Zayn! You're using me! You lie to yourself! It hurts me. You hurt me for years. For ages I have clung at a straws, maybe one day you will stay with me. I am a complete idiot!" 

My hand tries to stroke his cheeks. He avoids it. 

"Don't, Harry. Safe your pity! I need you and your love!  But you are addicted to him."

Exhausted he sits down on the sofa and buries his face in his hands. I'm stumped. I would like to stroke his head and tell him that he is not meaningless to me. My love for Lou is still there, but it's different from Zayn's. 

"Louis, please listen to me," I finally say.