It's taking all your strenght (Zarry /AU.) /English Version

96. The First Kiss

Harry

It's good to be home. After a long telephone call with my mother, I finally sit in my parents' garden. It is soon late summer and the sun is no longer burning from the sky. 

So far I haven't told them anything yet. They think it's all about a little recovery after all the tour stress. I don't know how to tell them that I'm gay and that all the love affairs were just a facade so as not to frighten my fans. Especially for my mother this will be a catastrophe, I think.

Lou hasn't contacted me since our argument. Maybe it's better this way. I don't love him. When I watch old interviews, I remember the time with him and the guys. I was blind and didn't realize how serious he was about me the whole time. For me those were just flirts. The whole "Larry" thing was amusing. When you live with the same people for so long, you naturally long for affection. Of course we had one night stands with fans, but that was rare. The management always paid attention to each of our contacts. In this respect, feelings develop for someone who permanently surrounds you. It wasn't clear before that I liked men. Louis was a flirter and I somehow joined in. Initially I liked the story and the rumors about "Larry". Later it was just annoying because every step, every look was being watched. Lou, unlike me, lived the dream of "Larry" intensively, because it was his only way to get me.

Zayn, on the other hand, is not gay. He loves women and they love him. He had tons of flings. Wherever it was possible, he hooked up with the girls. Zayn was the epitome of the womanizer. We could hardly believe that the media never noticed that. In the press I was portrayed as the ladies man, Zayn never.

At some point I realized that there is something special between us. I can't describe it. I felt attracted not only to his look, but also to his personality. He was so introverted, so vulnerable and so smart. So I tried to flirt with him, to see if anything could ever happen between us. With time he started to respond - insecure, but he reacted to me. That's got the ball rolling. In the beginning he withdrew, when I touched him by chance or looked at him more intensely, he became more courageous from day to day. When we first kissed, I knew that Zayn was the man I wanted - unconditionally.

Our romance began before his engagement to Perrie. We were just eighteen and nineteen years old. I still remember it as if it had only been yesterday.

Flashback Harry

We all met in the afternoon to record a new video diary. In the studio we sat on a big red leather sofa. In comfortable clothes we shot different scenes and answered questions of the fans. I sat right between Zayn and Louis. (The reactions of the fans later still make me smile today. Everyone thought that Lou and I were the couple in the group. But that wasn't true.)

A fan wants to know what rituals we have before we go on stage. Zayn says that he always brushes his teeth. Niall changes his socks. Liam does some workout and I change my pants. I also answer that we all have a big huddle. Niall wants to show them. Since I don't react immediately, Zayn pushes me in the direction of the others. He bends slightly forward and my lips accidentally touch his neck and I can feel his pulse. Wow, I am totally overwhelmed by this intimate moment. Zayn smells so incredibly good. (I haven't forgotten the scent of his body until today. I would recognize Zayn among hundreds of people by his scent.) We've never been so close before. My heart is pounding and I'm afraid he'll notice. When the huddle ends, I look at him for a long time and quietly apologize for the touch. In reality, however, I'm on cloud nine.

Late in the evening Nialler invites us guys to play on the Playstation in his room. We have few drinks and eat some Indian food. The atmosphere is relaxed. I'm not interested in video games. I only have eyes for Zayn. Its breathtaking scent is still in my memory and I feel like in a trance.