Diaries of Elle Rose

Introduction

I felt dead. I mean I truly felt completely dead inside. It wasn't the first time but i'm so terrified of feeling this way again.

Why does this happen? Why do i feel absolutely nothing one day and then experience the most intense emotions the next. I can feel everything. Maybe I'm just alone. I probably am and always will be.

I terrify myself on those days where all emotion comes rushing back. I'm afraid of what I'm capable of.

My thoughts are dark, so incredibly dark and the things that I imagine out of hurt and anger are awful and wrong. But still, I feel them, and i even feel relief when I do. Most of the time it makes me feel good.

Murder, I'm truly fascinated by it, as disturbing as it may be I still am. But I also know that I am capable of feeling. I feel so much so strongly. Possibly the problem that I have is that I feel too deeply. I think about myself being dead the most, so it isn't just a feeling that I get about others.

You think that you understand the human mind? Well that's bullshit, you don't, there's not a single one of us out there that does and I don't care what you have a degree in.

Each and every individual is so complex and lost. I find it frightening, the fact that we live in a world where it is impossible to truly relate to one another because we don't really know how to communicate anymore. I'm not sure that anyone ever could. No matter how empathetic of a person you may be, it is just impossible to phrase what we're thinking. What we're really thinking that is.

But we somehow manage to survive. Live day by day because truthfully we are all selfish individuals who are constantly judging one another. The only difference that there is between us all is how aware of this you are, which then spirals into an endless cycle of judging yourself for doing the simple human act of labeling one another. This is a selfish act in of itself though because you are still making the situation about you.

There are times though in which I believe that the world is in fact the most beautiful and magnificent thing in all of existence. But most of the time I just wish that I could burn as bright as the stars and block out the ugliness of this world. I'm so scared of it. Though sometimes I also wish that I could just block out my own existence alone.

Do you know what it's like to be afraid of your own mind? Your one and every thought? Well I do. I think that we all must. But then again, maybe this is just something that I have to tell myself in order to lessen the fear I have. Lessen the fear of myself that is.