Diaries of Elle Rose

2

09/11/18

At this inpatient program they have these activity groups as they call them, although not all that much activity goes on in them. Really misleading. As is the fact that they tell you it's "optional"

Up until today I've always gone to them, but on this one occasion today I just didn't feel up to it. So I stayed back with a few of the other patients in the sitting room, not that I was talking to them. That is, until one of the assholes running "activities", Julian, decided to yell at us, saying that if we didn't partake in the group then we had to go and be alone in our rooms.

At this, I got incredibly probably ridiculously angry. I told him about just how much of an asshole I thought he was and asked him about his agenda. I mean trying to forcibly isolate depressed already lonely patients. Honestly, this man blew my mind.

Eventually one of the nurses decided to open her fat mouth to pipe in and side with him. But I'm bright enough to see through it and know that the only real reason that she did this was because he got her all excited. Although let me tell you that in my honest opinion, which may or may not mean much, this guy was not particularly a looker, but I guess neither was she.

Anyway, I was pissed, I shouted, all hell broke loose and then I gave up, sat in a corner and cried as I watched this poor excuse of a man walk up and down the halls just smirking. The little fucker.

While sitting in that corner I thought about a lot of things, I thought about how in that moment, had I been handed a weapon, there was no doubt in my mind that I would use it on him. This probably should have scared me, but at that moment it didn't, not even a little. In fact, it comforted me.

I also thought about all of the ways my life has just completely gone to shit, and I thought to myself "How the hell can I get out of here?" Obviously I was not in my right thinking process at that very moment but again, I didn't care.

I figured that if I were to give them a reason to "worry" that they would have no choice but to send me down to Unit B. I had to hurt myself. Unit B is where the people who get restrained got sent and I knew this. I also somehow still came to the conclusion that this was a logical answer to my problem.

So while I was sitting in that corner moping about, I started to scratch, digging into my thigh with my fingernails. Scratching repetitively until it bled out and then I did it some more. It looked like I had been attacked by a rabid dog. The three bloody scratches now on my leg were sure to leave quite the scar, but that was besides the point in that moment. I had to get out, I thought that maybe the other units staff would be less abusive and cruel, really I was just desperate. I figured I'd at least get a fresh start and walk in prepared and know when to hold back the next time.

Kate, my nurse in Unit A, also the only staff member I could see myself not screaming at helped me with the transfer over. Eventually it was approved. Guess I made the cut. No pun intended.

I packed up what few belongings I had and went with Kate over to the other side. (again no pun intended)

Stepping in was definitely a shock, that much was sure. I just wasn't quite sure at the time whether this was a good thing or a bad one. Matter of fact, I still don't.

What I do know is that this unit is about twice the size of the other. It's also twice as disorganized, as if I wasn't already myself.

On the plus side though, they did have real snacks, like pudding and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. They also have two large screen televisions with dozens of films and channels. Unit A only had one incredibly small television with no DVD player. This side also only loosely enforced the bedtime which was nice for me as well as the other insomniacs.

But on the downside it's loud and there's a lot more fights over here. They are not afraid to throw fists, that's for sure. I still like this side better though, at least everyone over here is being true to themselves and not just pretending in order to fit into a society where they are excluded.

Personally, I'm more on the quiet side myself but I never pretend. I keep to myself a majority of the time which some people hate about me.

I have said hello on a few occasions to some others though since I've been here. It's been nice.