09.19.19
Why do they leave?
what did I do to make this happen?
Make it always happen
clearly it's me, there's no point in denying
I hate myself, I hate feeling like this, like I'm mad
I don't know why I'm still crying
I'm a disaster, I'm wrecked
I should stop writing and bitching
what right do I have really?
but I can't, it's the only distraction
my life is falling apart now
but when I think back
I can't think of a time that I would want back
Point is,
I'm tired,
I'm drained,
I'm sad,
and I'm done
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09.19.18
The time goes by
while I sit alone
I'm so tired
why is it no one's ever home?
Time is moving forwards
I'm still in the past
I can't ever seem to let it go
I don't want to
I'm afraid of the unknown.
here there is routine
maybe it's sad
and maybe it's dangerous
maybe there's nothing to look forward to
but would I want to take a risk?
moving forwards in time?
a small part of me
but will I?
No, I just can't do it
it's too unclear
I feel like I'd be a fool so I say screw it
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09.19.18
Sometimes, I want to live
and by that I mean actually live
I don't want to have a “normal” life
and fade away
no! I want memories that stay
I don't want pictures or videos
I want for us as human beings, as creative intellectuals
to really channel what they have and live
I refuse to survive
if I have to conform
I will die
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09.19.18
I feel this book with poems
and stories you'll never see
and if you did
you still wouldn't be interested to read
and if you are
then I pity you
for your as at as me
you better learn to run fast
because the darkness will come after you
swiftly and unseen
at first you wouldn't even know
until you end up just like me
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09.19.18
I stare at that door
waiting for people who never show
I know this, yet still I wait
night and day
hoping someone shows their face
I'm dying in my loneliness
my isolated prison
feels like I'm being tried
for crime that doesn't really exist
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09.19.18
This life is a curse
this much is true
does mine even exist?
I know not to you
but why am I here? I don't want to be
why isn't it okay for me to just leave?
It's simple for me, but for you I see not
but what business does another really have
over controlling one's thoughts
go someplace else
think what you want, dark or light, it's no business of mine
just leave me to hide in the dark
I choose to stay here, I want to, I'm free
I've never felt safer than when I'm alone with just me
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09.19.18
They tell me I'm wrong
not a thing I say is right
I'm too pessimistic, too manipulative, too sad
to be correct
my worldview doesn't count
no one seems to even see me
it's not all just me
but it's living in this Society
that is killing me.
it's you,
every single one
I hope one day when you're going to bed
that you'll realize it's you, the monster in your head
just wait, one day you'll see
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09.19.18
Religion
what is sick way to shatter when the soul
when's awareness
it ruins
but it wears his safety net
it manipulates
and it steals those you love
It's behind every war
even the war on one's mind
what a horrible lie
it's sneaks and it slithers
with the apparent intention to heal
but no, it destroys, it's just hidden
under the Veil
we have questions
and we want answers
but that doesn't mean we must turn to This Disaster
even after all the pain,
there are other ways to feel Joy,
Laughter
stop looking for answers you don't have to go after
it pics on those hurt
vulnerable and angry
barely gives one a chance
before giving your lives away
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09.19.18
It hurts
oh god it feels like it never ends
Am I trapped?
am I sick?
is this forever?
I don't think I can do this
not me
definitely not me
shut it off
I hate it
I hate me with it
Please
make it stop!
before I have to end it.
09.19.18
Today has felt like a really long day. At the moment it's only 4:15 p.m. but it feels like midnight. I just met with my doctor, well a substitute because Dr. Arnold wasn't here today so I talked to Dr. Baldwin. It was a lot longer than what I usually spend with my doctor which was nice. It looks like I'll be going home soon. I’m actually really happy about that. I'll be moving back in with my mom, but it's okay, or hopefully it will be because I'll be going to the outpatient program which is 6 hours 5 days a week. All the free time that I have after that I can spend reading and writing. I'll also be applying for some schools in the next few months, so it really looks like for the first time in a long time luck might actually be on my side. I can honestly say that I'm excited to see what's to come. But at the same time, there is still the pessimist in me that's unsure and is fighting its way out. A part of me feels like I'll miss this place while the other part of me can't wait to get out.
I've been really anxious all day today because I'm not sure which day after today will be my last. I'm also having a hard time because I know that I'm going to miss some of the people here. I will never have friends like this again. Friends that understand you completely, no explanation necessary, despite how different we all are. These are going to be some of the hardest goodbyes of my life.
09.19.18
Lauren, let's talk about Lauren for a bit. Well, first off she's a b****. I walked into a room today to see her side completely emptied out. Yeah, that's it, no explanation had been given. Confused, I walked into the day room where Jackie brings up a conversation she had where Lauren had stated that she wanted to change rooms. I mean I literally helped take care of this crazy b**** and then that’s it? I mean I know I'm a crazy b**** too but still. This is all I get. If you're out there Lauren, f*** you. After some time she decided to come and join us in the day room. First thing she said? It was to the nice new girl I had just been talking to when she walked in. This b**** opened her f****** mouth to tell her “I think we're roommates now” with a smirk on her face. I was sitting directly in between her and the new girl. I mean really?
YOU ARE READING
Diaries of Elle Rose
RandomDiary entries based on my own actual journals that I kept from my time at a mental institution. This covers some very serious subject matter such as suicide and may be triggering.
