Diaries of Elle Rose

10

09.18.18

    4104, that's my room number. I don't know why but I feel like it's become a part of me now. I also feel like I'm getting far too comfortable here. Everyone's gone and replaced except me, Lauren, and Mark, who's an old man who just stays in the dayroom solving puzzles all hours of the day.

    At times I also feel like I've stopped feeling anything at all but at the same time I know that's far from being true. But part of me does care and does want to get better. I just wish that part of me wasn't so small. It’s also that when I let any emotion besides anger in, I let them all in and that means that the pain comes with it. I'm truly afraid that I won't survive my sadness. I don't want pain, I'm not strong enough to fight it. I just know that I want to feel at least 1 oz of something else, even if it's just for a minute.

                    09.18.18

    It's 4:05 p.m. but it feels much later. I think that being here, in this place, is making me worse, and now I'm really scared. I feel so claustrophobic and there's literally nothing to do here except color and stare at all the blank walls in this place.

    I tried to do good today. I really did. I went to all of the groups but whilst in the middle of process group I couldn't take it anymore. The feeling of being trapped and isolated. I started scratching my wrist under the table, beginning to dig my nails in deep. Just as I started though, my doctor called me out of group for our daily group talk and it went okay I suppose. He kept looking at my arm though, it hadn't been cut but it was red and irritated.

    He then asked me if I had been hurting myself and automatically I panicked and told him “No, of course not.”

     After that I was sent back to group where I continued with the repetitive scratching in the same place. I did this until it was bleeding and the skin was raw. At that moment, I'm not going to lie, I did like the pain. I liked it because I was so scared that I was unable to feel anything anymore or that I’d feel anything ever again. I was relieved.

    Of course eventually it was noticed by a nurse who said that she had no choice but to tell my psychiatrist and Doctor, which also means that I had to be put back on suicide watch, which also means that I'm stuck here even longer now. I honestly feel like I can't take it. I just want to go home, or anywhere, I just need to leave this place soon. I thought that my mind was mad before but now it's so insane I'm so scared of it and I don't trust it. And holy s*** do some of the people here just not know how to shut the hell up. My mind is so scrambled and a mess that the last thing I need to hear is their meaningless babbling to one another. Stop with the pity party already, I know that you're f***** up, you're here, no need for further explanation. This isn't f****** Circle time guys and if it was and you had the talking stick, I’d take that thing and shove it right up your pathological, self-pitying ass. Write it down, please, just be quiet. I can't hear my own thoughts anymore.

                   
09.18.18

    It's now almost 7:30 p.m. and no one came to visit me today. I'm actually taking it quite hard because everyone else here always has at least one visitor. I know that my grandma aims to be here every night which means the world to me and I understand that my mom works but really? Nobody, not one person? I'm alone enough in this place. I have nothing to do. There's no way I can live with this sadness and loneliness forever. I’d die first.

                    09.18.18

Okay, new plan. I want to get out of here. I'm desperate. And don't play their game.

                    09.18.18

Am I mad
am I Wild
or just scared
a girl who never got to be a child
I'm afraid and that much I know
but why do I run before they tell me to go?
It's pathetic and frustrating
not just for you though is it infuriating
I'm swimming in a sea of burning rain
both the physical and mental
that's the kind of pain,
but they all tell me I'm insane
possibly it's true, but what if it's not
what if I really have everything
and I'm sad because I feel alone
because there aren't many people
maybe it's the same who are truly insane
for they can never understand
the words that I say

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                    09.18.18

These faces
they've become too familiar
it unsettles me
I can't remember how long I've been here
but I know that my mind is still full of fear
I think that I'm past shedding my last tear
will I ever get out?
do I even want to?
I've become numb and in a way that brings me peace
I've never had peace

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                    09.18.18

I see nothing,
not really
I hear nothing,
not really
I feel nothing,
Completely
if I can't feel
does that mean I'm not real
I know it's strange to ask
but I'm lost and emotionless
and I don't know where to turn
we guide our lives with emotions
but mine just don't seem to work
so here I am,
Roaming,
no Direction,
help me,
there is no light here
in fact there's nothing
nowhere to go or turn
I'm just standing here,
Numb,
instead of hurting