Diaries of Elle Rose

9

09/17/18
 
   As I'm writing this now, just one day has passed. Not much has happened though. I did rip out some Renoir paintings and Moulin Rouge posters from some of the calendars that I found around the place and I taped them onto our bedroom walls as well as a few of the art projects we've both done.
 
   Basically on the emotional side of things, I only feel more depressed and drained. I just can't do anything. I'm exhausted.
 
   There was a plan for me to go from Herrick Hospital to La Selva for residential treatment but unfortunately health insurance is a real bitch in this country. Obviously they denied us, even now that we had new nice private insurance that the place was even in contract with. So there's that. I don't have a place to stay now and I'm scared as hell of being discharged too early now.
  
  On top of  all of this, my roommate Lauren is on a completely motherfucking different level. We walked into our room after group about half an hour ago when all of a sudden she flipped. She swore that the room smelled like gas. Trying my best not to roll my eyes at her behavior, I calmly reassured her that “no, don't worry it's just from the roses I put in, it's just strong because the room is small with no open windows.” and her response was just a simple “Nope.” I kept on trying to tell her that it wasn't gas but she said that she didn’t trust me anymore. She then started to talk about how I must have been the one behind all of this. It got really bad. She started grabbing her clothes off the shelf while looking at me terrified.
 
   Finally, I got out to get a nurse to handle this and somehow she felt reassured enough to go back to the room.
 
   Now she's just here acting as if nothing had happened, and here I am just going along with it. It's a strange world we live in.

                    09.17.18
 
   Sometimes I wonder if my feelings are even real. Sometimes I just feel like a real cold bitch who manipulate situations and emotions to get what I want. Are my emotions real? I could flip the emotional switch so fast it's like something you'd see in a horror film. I don't know, it's just that sometimes I think it's all fake but I know that at other times I feel the complete opposite.