Diaries of Elle Rose

1

09/09/18

Currently I am in a Psych Ward and this much I know for sure, but at the same exact time I am of the belief that it is the only thing I know.

The nurses here have put me on so many medications that I'm barely capable of remembering my own name. I know that as I am writing this I am far away from myself, distant, or dissociated as they call it. I'm terrified of myself and everyone else. Not only is my body not my own, but neither is my mind. I've fallen victim to it.

I've been hearing things at night again. It's just a low deep voice repeating my name followed by an array of unintelligible whispers. I'm not crazy but they speak rapidly, like they're in danger. What if I'm in danger too?

I was checked into Herrick Psychiatric Facility four days ago. I had been moved from the Emergency Room due to repetitive suicidal and homicidal thoughts. I'm aware that this sounds bad and serious, and it probably is, but you have to trust me when I tell you that it is absolute torture to the person having them. You could never imagine the horror that comes along with wanting to watch as your father falls to the floor dead. Take pleasure in it even, or even be the one who does it. I am aware that these are not healthy thoughts.

Today here at this place has been a difficult one. I was assigned to stay in 34 East A which is for the less acute patients, but in my opinion I'm more scared of these people. They share the same thoughts and just hide it better. This is something that I find to be terrifying.

Anyway, the auditory hallucinations have gotten more frequent. I still can't tell you what they're saying most of the time but sometimes when it says my name it also sounds like it's telling me to "come here", whatever that means.

Next I started seeing shadows that didn't belong to anybody and blurs that look like someone standing before me. For obvious reasons, I kept this to myself. I haven't even been all that truthful with my doctor. I just don't like them, they are all the same. They don't care about you, not really anyway.