09/15/18
Beautiful, timid, scared
so so scared,
but why
why is this beautiful person
so many good and horrible things all at once?
I just don't understand
this was never planned
but I need her
I need her in my life
not in a romantic way
but so much greater
with all my might
she's broken
so I'm broken too
if this thing continues
I'm scared that I'll be lost too
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09/15/18
Note to Nurse
I want to die. I want to die today because everything is wrong and hard and I'm terrified. I'm hearing voices on top of everything else. I feel like my doctor wants to discharge me from inpatient, when I in no way feel ready. I still feel as shitty as I did before I checked into the emergency room. I used to just hear Whispers, which I could ignore, but now the voices are louder and deeper and demanding. I know it's not real but I'm still scared. I don't want to be alone. The voices say my name and to “Let them in”. I'm just so hurt and angry all the time and I don't understand why. I mean there is a guy here that is really scaring me and has been non-stop walking by my bedroom, sitting next to me, inviting me to his room, and drawing vulgar pictures and giving them to me. He's old and also married with kids. He makes me sick to my stomach. I'm scared. I feel like he's always watching me. I just want to go back to Unit A, at least I felt more safe there. There are too many fights and this man is scaring me. This is why I want to die.
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09/16/18
Poem for Lauren
You lovely angel
what a rare Soul you are
how special I am
you know I'm never far
I'll find you
I promise
this phone will last
feels like I've met you before
maybe some previous past?
I know that you're hurting
trust that I'm hurting too
we’ll be scared together
then we'll pull through
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09.16.18
Whispers, Whispers, Whispers
you wake up from your dream
you open your eyes
was it really just a dream?
Whispers, Whispers, Whispers
you're walking out the door
you pass each step
but are starting to fret
Whispers, Whispers, Whispers
they're starting to grow louder
you get into your car
thought today would be better
but instead it's like you've hit the bar
Whispers, Whispers, Whispers
if you can call them that
I guess you can't, cause you've crashed
because of course at last
those voices came to make you pass
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09.16.18
Loud, wide, curious
they bathed, they ride, they ruin
nothing so beautiful
nothing so dangerous
but I want nothing more
nothing more than these waves
wash me upon a shore
ride me to Faraway lands
I'll go anywhere, just take me
to a greater, and visible land
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09.16.18
Waves
beautiful things aren't they
they crash and they're loud
but it's good and they astound
they wreck and they ruin
but we forgive and we bathe
we use this great gift
while we run from the current
we ride with the highs and the lows
and we loved every second
all they do is make everyone around them proud
if only we could do that now
YOU ARE READING
Diaries of Elle Rose
RandomDiary entries based on my own actual journals that I kept from my time at a mental institution. This covers some very serious subject matter such as suicide and may be triggering.
