A Poison I Drink Often(Sterek)

I'm fine

Stiles shoved open the door to his apartment building, letting the cold air cut through him. He didn't know where he was going, but he couldn't stay at home. It was still early. Too early. The sun was barely up. He decided to make his way towards a local park in the middle of town. It was probably a twenty minute walk from his apartment.

"Mr. Stilinski," Stiles turned to see Mrs. Worthwell, an older lady that lived on his floor, smiling at him.

Stiles threw on his fake smile, "Mrs. Worthwell, what are you doing out here this early?"

"My daughter left town this morning, we went out for an early breakfast," She smiled sadly.

"Did you have a nice visit?" Stiles recalled her daughter living in D.C.

"I did. It's always nice to visit with family."

A surge of guilt cut through Stiles. He didn't visit his dad often enough, he knew that, but the reminder still stung.

"You know my Son is coming in next week, I'd like you to meet him," Mrs. Worthwell spoke enthusiastically.

"Of course," Stiles nodded. She'd mentioned her son to Stiles several times. Apparently he recently came out as gay and she had thought Stiles was a good fit. He'd gently declined, claiming he wasn't looking for anyone, but she was persistent. The least Stiles could do was meet the guy.

The older lady beamed, "You have a good day, dear."

"Off to a good start," Stiles winked.

His smile slipped off his face as soon as she was past him.

It got easier pretending. He'd gotten good at it.

Too bad it's not real. Allison's voice echoed in his head.

Stiles took a deep breath as he fought to push the voice away.

-

Derek's heart thudded loudly as he spotted the younger man walking towards him. His hands shoved deep into his pockets, his tired eyes fixated on the ground in front of him.

Derek had decided to swing by and check on Stiles. Just listen in and make sure he wasn't spiraling. It was something Derek used to do back in Beacon Hills, especially after a particularly strenuous altercation.

"Stiles," The name fell from his lips in an almost desperate tone. He could smell the sadness radiating off the human.

Stiles head jerked up. The look that crossed over his face was briefly confused, followed by a wide eyed stare.

Stiles blinked at the man in front of him. He'd woken up sure that he'd imagined the alpha. But here he was again. Why would he be seeing Derek? He'd chalked it up to the grief and alcohol last night, but he had no reason to see Derek. He'd stopped seeing him after he got rid of Roscoe. The old jeep had been full of memories of Derek. Memories that only served to hurt him.

Stiles remained silent and unmoving as Derek took a step forward.

"Are you okay?" Derek knew it was a stupid question. Nothing about Stiles was okay.

"I was sure I made last night up," Stiles finally spoke, his tone quiet.

"You did have a lot to drink," Derek nodded.

Stiles scoffed at that, earning a slight frown from the werewolf.

"What are you doing here, Derek?" Stiles huffed. He really had hoped he'd imagined last night. He didn't need this right now.

"I wanted to make sure you were okay," Derek answered honestly.

"I'm fine," Stiles shook his head.

Derek heard the lie, and even if he hadn't, last night had made it pretty obvious Stiles was anything but fine.

"And I don't need some quip about lying to a werewolf, yata yata. I'm fine. Am I good? No. And I'm better than I  have been? Yes. Is you being here gonna change that? Not for the better," Stiles stepped passed Derek then, not wanting to talk anymore.

Derek's stomach dropped. He turned to see Stiles walking away from him.

"You said, that you needed me, what changed?" Derek asked, his tone harsher than he intended. Like he was challenging Stiles' previous comment.

"You left," Stiles responded not turning around.

Guilt gnawed at Derek's spine, "I'm sorry," his tone had softened now.

Stiles stopped in his tracks. He turned to face the werewolf, "Is that supposed to make it better? Is that supposed to make up for the fact that you weren't there? That you ran away when everyone else kept me at arms length?" Stiles spat, taking a step back towards Derek.

"I didn't know," Derek's jaw clenched. He wanted to be defensive, but he had no bearing. Stiles was right.

"How could you? You left," Stiles sneered.

Derek opened his mouth to apologize again, but Stiles interrupted.

"I don't know what you want from me, but you're not gonna get it. I'm not the same person I was," Stiles' voice broke slightly. It was hard for him to talk to Derek like this. He used to imagine what it would be like to see the alpha again. He imagined it in so many different ways, but none of them like this. He was too guarded now, too afraid to let him back in. It had been years since he thought about running into Derek, or Derek showing up on his door. They'd always been warm greetings. Nothing like this.

"Look, Stiles I never thought I'd see you again, I never intended to. But last night, you walked in and I caught your scent and it felt the same. Like no time had passed. I wanted to ignore you, ignore the pull I felt to talk to you, but I couldn't. And you were so upset and..." Derek ran a hand through his hair, "I don't know why I ran into you, I don't, but I can't pretend I didn't. You're in a rough spot, I can see that. I never intended to hurt you when I left all those years ago. I know if I left now, I'd never forgive myself. Your dad and Scott may not know what you're going through, but I do and you can't expect me to walk away."

Stiles grit his teeth, he felt his resolve slipping. He had to pull it together.

"Would you even bother if I wasn't so broken?" Stiles demanded.

"Of all the places to run into you, it was in a small bar in the middle of Seattle Washington on the anniversary of Allison's death. I don't believe in things like fate, but that's a little suspect," Derek pointed out.

Stiles shook his head, "Coincidence, nothing more."

"Stiles, please, let me be there for you," Derek pleaded. He knew he sounded desperate, but he didn't care. He needed Stiles to let him in.

"I don't want you to be there for me, Derek. You're part of the reason I'm such a mess." With that Stiles turned and walked off.

Derek gaped after the human. There had been no putter of Stiles' heart. He wasn't lying.

*AN*
I actually enjoyed writing this one. Let me know what you think!