Broken Memories (Sequel to STBHP) UNDER MAJOR RECONSTRUCTION

Chapter 11: Realisation

James's POV:

As soon as I laid my wife on our bed I watched in awe as she snuggled into the duvet and within minutes was asleep breathing softly. As much as I wanted to jump into bed and cuddle with her, I just couldn't. Truthfully after that dream I had lost the ability to sleep. My mind was plagued with uneasy thoughts making my stomach clench uncomfortably.

I had debated with myself whether getting in bed and wrapping Isabella up in my embrace would help tame my thoughts. But how could they, when my every thought was about her. This was karma's warning telling me my actions would soon catch up with me and I knew everything could come crumbling down any day now.

Glancing down at the clock on the bedside table, I sighed seeing as it was only 4am. There was no way I was getting anymore sleep today.

Walking over to the desk that sat in front of the window I carefully picked up the black leather arm chair and brought it over towards the bed placing it down before my side of the bed and slumped myself down in it. My head instantly collapsed into my hands as the guilt overtook my tired and worn out body.

"What am I doing?" I whispered out brokenly as I lifted my head up and stared at my wife who lay soundlessly in a peaceful slumber.

Every time I looked at my wife I truthfully hated myself more and more. Memories of the past played like a never ending tape that I was unable to stop or even pause. The things I did to her, the things I put her through made me want to turn myself in to the police. I was a monster to her, I did inhumane things to her and yet here she lays in my bed blissfully unaware of the foul things I did to her.

I resented myself. And I knew what I was currently doing was no better, but I was scared. I didn't know what to do. The possessive side of me told me to keep her by my side, but then the small human side told me to let her be free. I was willing to let her be free, but it would come at a cost. I didn't expect her to live after the trauma she had suffered and was shocked when she returned to me, except she had lost her memories.

Would it have been cruel to let her go naively back into the world with broken memories of her past, thinking she had a loving boyfriend and a best friend waiting to see her. I just couldn't do it. And would it be fair to her to reveal the true memories that held so much pain and torture and let her go knowing she would be suffering tremendously. She would have sleepless nights knowing what had become of her life. No. I couldn't do it. I know I seem selfish, but ultimately I want her happy and to feel safe, even if it meant lying to her. Her well being is the most important thing to me, more so than my own pathetic being. She would always be number one.

I hate lying to her and wish I had the courage to be honest, but how can I when everything is perfect. I want everything perfect for her.

As I got lost in my thoughts I continued to stare intensely at my beautiful angel who moaned softly as she buried her head further into the large pillow.

I'm scared of losing you baby.

Maybe it's time to sit down and have a deep chat with my conscience.

Pushing my heavy body up from the chair I walked around to Isabella's side of the bed and carefully lifted the duvet that had fallen off her frame and lifted it up covering her exposed shoulder. Leaning down I placed my lips gently on her forehead and rested them there for a couple of seconds before reluctantly pulling away.

I walked into the bathroom and turned the shower on hoping that the hot water would rid me of my endless thoughts.

After a long shower I quickly and quietly got dressed for a new day and stared down at the watch I had just placed on my wrist.