Heteronym

Chapter 16

Just want to put a warning that this chapter might be a little upsetting to some. Please, remember there are always people that love you.

The last few weeks had been heaven.

October and November couldn't have gone better. The wedding was perfect, Beck's mom loved me, hockey was amazing; everything was falling into place. The Rangers has taken a huge turn around from last year, currently sitting in the second seed in the entire league right behind the Capitals. Our defense was amazing and Beck had turned our offense around; it was almost unbelievable how high our team had jumped in the rankings compared to last year.

Everything was going perfectly, or at least I thought it was. I knew the second I had to get out of the shower to throw up after practice, that there was something seriously wrong. I never got sick, let alone enough the purge my guts. The only time I ever puked was when I tried to kill myself, and that's what scared me. I wasn't sick. There were no other symptoms.

I didn't say anything when Beck left for classes that afternoon. Not a word. But as soon as he left the apartment, I was getting my sneakers and coat on before running out the door. My heart was pounding the entire time it took me to get to the store and book it back home. It's not like I could call anyone; if I was pregnant then Beck had to be the first to know. All I could think about was that this couldn't be happening.

I never missed a pill. I never had any signs. My last period was three weeks ago. I wasn't pregnant, I probably just ate something. But that didn't stop me from buying a box of tests. Most couldn't detect anything sooner than three or four weeks so I knew for a fact if multiple of these ended up positive then I had experienced implantation bleeding, not my usual and fortunately light period.

That was the scariest thing in the world because that meant I was anywhere from one to two months pregnant. This couldn't be happening. My career was over. My relationship could be over. Everything could be over.

And somehow, in the very depths of my mind, I had the darkest thought of all. For someone who struggled with depression on an almost Dailey basis, the sudden thoughts of 'I can't even kill myself now' rang painfully clear in the back of my head. What was wrong with me? I was happy. Did I really need the backup plan of suicide to always be available? I could barely believe what my own head was thinking.

My hands were shaking as I stopped the ringing timer on my IPhone. My lungs filled with air as I stood from the edge of the jacuzzi style tub and my feet padded across the cold tile floors. I froze as I looked down at the marble countertop in our bathroom. The moment of truth.

Everything shattered into a million pieces as I felt warm tears hit my cheeks faster than I could blink. Six positive tests. Either that was a defective box or I was pregnant. This couldn't be happening. My blood was hammering in my ears as I fought to catch my breath. No. This wasn't reality. It couldn't be. I never missed a pill. At this point I sounded like a broken record but I didn't give a fuck anymore.

I was pregnant and I wanted to legitimately kill myself.

But I knew I couldn't.

Beck didn't even know I was borderline suicidal.

I was bawling as the heals of my hand dug into my closed eyes while I rested my elbows on the counter. This was everything going wrong at once. My body was shaking as I tried to catch my breath. I knew I never threw up, I fucking knew it. Why couldn't I have been wrong this one time?

It's like I could just see everything I ever wanted falling out of my grasp. I would miss most of my first season and I'd probably never get signed after that; it was reality. Even if I did get signed, how would Beck and I care for a newborn baby with jobs where I couldn't take maternity? I could kiss my doctorate goodbye if I somehow managed to keep my job and the same could be said for Beck's law degree. Beck would never leave me because of this, he was too respectable of a man, but I think every pregnant woman that isn't married or trying for a baby has at least a sliver of fear that it could happen. I've put years of my life into this to get what? Failure?