Heteronym

Chapter 31

"Do you trust your boyfriend?"

Most days I didn't mind therapy. I showed up, talked about my day, sometimes I was urged to call on my anxieties, but other than that it was easy. There were times where I would go with Beck and times were it was one on one. It was a change from the way my older therapist used to do it in Connecticut, and I honestly wasn't sure if it was better or worse. Sometimes I felt great after but then I would have nights were I was suicidal and I couldn't remember the last time I was this depressed in Connecticut.

Today was just as undefined as the rest.

"Of course I do. I trust Beck more than anyone else in my life." The answer came easy to me as I sat on a brown leather couch, the floor to ceiling windows of the office building showing the skyline across the Hudson. I sat across from my therapist, Doctor Kathari, with my arm resting on the arm rest and my fingers intertwined. The grey haired woman was in her sixties, her hair pulled up into a tight topknot as she sat in her own matching chair, completing the put together and warm aesthetic of her office.

"And Finn?" Her calming voice asked, her legs crossed her a notepad on her lap as she held a black pen between her fingers and her elbows rested on the armrests.

"He has never let me down. I'm eternally grateful for what he has done. My brother is my best friend."

The doctor nodded thought fully, flipping back a few pages in her notebook. "You say you trust them both impeccably and I don't doubt that. It's one of your more consistent beliefs and I can tell when you are in self conflict after all these months. Yet some of your biggest insecurities revolve around your boyfriend and your brother," she observed. I suddenly felt very nervous about where she was going to take this, especially in front of Beck. That was the thing about Doctor Kathari; you never knew where she was going. I couldn't help but shift in my seat earning a glance from Beck beside me. "You sit farther from him in my presence then you do in the waiting room."

I didn't respond, silence filling the thick air. From the corner of my eye Beck watched innocently, the weight of his usually emotion filled gaze replaced by weightless support. At least he wasn't awkward during my appointments. I'm sure that happened to plenty of people.

"Do you trust yourself, Danielle?"

"That's a trick question," the words left my mouth without a second thought.

"How so?" Marie raised her white eyebrow carefully, prompting me to continue.

"If I say yes, then you will ask why I have turbulent relationships with the people I value. If I say no then you will ask how I can focus on anything other than my own issues." I knew the way Doctor Kathari questioned like the back of my hand. I suppose in that sense she was predictable, but there was always a wrench to throw into the equation.

"This doesn't work if you are not honest with yourself," she reminded me carefully. Doctor Kathari had told me from the start her approach was more of a newer style of therapy. She combined humanistic-existentialism with cognitive behavioral therapy, group therapy, and medication. It sounded great, but I quickly learned how taxing these sessions could be even when the topic was as simple as talking about my latest game or what I had for dinner. "What about you?" She turned her attention to Beck. "Do you think Danny trusts herself?"

Beck ran his hand through his dark hair, pondering the question for a moment while I turned my head to look at the side of his face, his body only a few inches from mine on the loveseat. "I think it depends on the situation. At work and in her classes as well as with her friends she is incredibly reliable and trusting in herself. When it comes to her health and her closer relationships I think Danny without a doubt doesn't trust herself." It didn't surprise me that he would say that, especially after he found me seriously debating suicide for the second time.