Heteronym

Chapter 35

When I woke up that morning, the bed was empty. It didn't surprise me considering Beck and I's conversation last night. So I took my time in pulling on my joggers and my sneakers, my old Quinnipiac hoodie over my body for good measure. The cold air was sunny, sparkling off the snow that had freshly fallen a few days ago. The dirty ground mixed with the edges of the frost, turning the bright white into a muddy brown. My sneakers padded on the pavement road as I walked the isles of gray toned gravestones. Fifty yards away I could see Beck kneeling on one knee in the snow, a bundle of pink roses and white carnations resting in the snow against the large grey marble stone, Sebastian's name engraved on the base of a sculptured a tilted cube. I always liked these types of stones; they stood out just like my best friend had. No doubt it cost a decent amount.

I could have kept walking but I stoped myself, allotting Beck the privacy he deserved. It was silent except for the distant sound of cars, the hockey player to far for me to hear his words. My eyes flickered down to my black sneakers, not feeling okay with watching Beck without him knowing. I don't know how log I stood there, letting the chilly air deep it's way into my bones.

But when I did look up, I saw Beck tuck something into the left pocket of his black jacket, getting up from his knee. I took that as my subtle cue to approach, my sneakers lightly padding on the pavement and then on the crisp three inch layer of snow. The soft noise drew Beck's attention, offering me a small smile as he looked over his shoulder to mask the pain in his usually vibrant blue eyes.

I tried to give him a wearily smile back but it probably looked more miserable than it felt. "You've got good taste," I murmured, placing the exact same bundle of flower in the snow next to the one he had brought. Pink roses for friendship and white carnations for remembrance.

"I'll take a walk," he whispered, eyes still on the dark, shiny stone. Beck's warm hand gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze before his touch faded away, his heat leaving the grave and his footsteps returning to the pavement twenty yards back.

I kneeled in the cold snow and not caring if I got wet. My frozen fingers traced the 'S' in Sebastian's name, the extremities trembling in the cold. "Everyone tells me it's supposed to get easier. They're all liars," I voice shook as bad as my hand had. "I miss you every day, Seb. I wish we were doing this all together."

"I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say. Last time I visited you I just cried a lot and talked about what's never going to happen. Maybe I should just tell you what's going on in my life, like old times," I paused while trying to think of what to say. "Beck and I are living together now. You knew from the start we would end up together but I was too stubborn to give in. I'm glad I finally did. I can honestly see him as the father of my children. I wish you could be there to see it."

"I know it's ironic coming from an atheist but if there is an after life, I know you're watching over me. So if I'm not just talking to myself right now, I'm sure you already know about Jensen. I thought I wasn't going to survive it without you. You were probably gritting your teeth when I was seriously debating ending it. I'm sorry I scared you so much when we were living together. I can't express how much I wish that was different. I let a demon consume me and it only hurt us both. I'll never forgive myself because I haven't learned from my mistakes; I'm doing the same exact thing to Beck."

"But I made it. Of course I'm no where near the clear yet; I won't be until at least a year from now. Even then I might still have issues. God knows my PTSD isn't going away any time soon. At least I don't get nightmares like Sylvia does. I guess we all have burdens to bare."

"I know you probably didn't want Ben to go to jail. I probably ruined that man's life yet I can't bring myself to feel guilt. You didn't get to live so why should he get to live free? I know he didn't plan it but if you crash your car and kill someone, you go to jail. It's a risk of driving we all take. Ben took the risk just like all of us do. He killed my best friend when everyone assured me he would be okay. I couldn't let him go free. Apparently Beck couldn't either. That makes me feel slightly better about my choice, but I'm sorry if that's not what you wanted."

"I love you, Seb. You were always there for me and I can't express how grateful I am. You were right, you know; we walked through fire together and some day we'll end up in the same place with our matching burns. You know what I figured out that I didn't quite have together a few months ago? The burns make us patricians. We went through the suffering and now we come out stronger like kings. It hurts and it sears into your soul but you know what we get? Respect. Integrity. Honor. That's what everyone remembers you for and that's what keeps me going in the darkest moments. Somehow my dead best friend is the thing keeping me alive and I know by some stretch of the imagination that makes you proud."

Cold tears ran down my skin, seemingly warmer than the frozen air around me. "Every day is a challenge without you. I've never lost grandparents or cousins; I never had any to lose. I'd imagine this is what that pain feels like. But for all these people around me, sometimes I can't help but feel like I'm alone. There's a hole no one else can fill and I hope you know that."

"We take good care of Zara for you, you know. She was at Christmas with us. She and Sylvia get on quite well. I know she visits you often. I think we might have even converted her to think Connecticut isn't a half shitty place. Lord knows you believed that for some stupid reason," I laughed lightly, wiping my tears from my eyes with he back of my shaking hand. The December air was nipping at the tips of my ears under my hair, probably turning them bright red as the uncomfortable sensation took over. "I never got to say thank you, and I need you to know how grateful I am for everything you did. There wasn't a moment where I truest regretted being friends with you. I love you, Seb."

"I'll see you in a few months again, and I won't ever forget," I whispered softly and stood up from the snow covered ground. The damp frozen ground still felt stuck on my skin beneath my clothing as I stuffed my hands in the pocket of my hoodie, my black sneakers crunching against the white snow and echoed in my ears.

When I found the dismal pavement, my eyes flickered up to Beck sitting on the roof of his rich emerald, classy sports car and watching me observantly white his sapphire eyes. He offered me a warm smile, but even his expression was dimmed by his current emotions. I stepped upon the hood of the car with an equally pitiful smile. I sat between his bent knees, pushing his legs apart so I could sit when his arms wrapped around my waist and Beck rested his chin on my shoulder. "You just stepped on a car worth half a million dollars," Beck murmured in a strangely calm voice that made me tempted to laugh.

"You're the one sitting on it," I whispered back with a slightly laugh in my tone.

"You're so fucking lucky I love you."

"I know."

And I truly meant that. I'd be lost beyond retrieval without Beck. It suddenly felt like sitting in a graveyard in my boyfriend's arms was the safest place in the world. No one but myself could hurt me here. My best friend was silent, but he was here with us. It was odd to imagine that it could have been the three of us in the Rangers, but it was true. Now it was just a delusional fantasy that would never become a reality.

"I'd always known I'd end up here by twenty three," Beck admitted quietly. "I just never thought it would be for someone other than Aras. There were four beautiful months were everything was perfect. My brother was going to live, I was with the girl I was so desperately in love with, and I'd found my brothers for the rest of my life. Yet here we are, and I've lost a brother anyway."

"I always thought I'd be the one buried here by twenty two. Now I realize that this man is the reason I'm not, and he took my spot instead. He loved us more than anything. We just have to never forget him."

"I don't think I could if I tried."

Neither could I, Beck.

Neither could I.