Heteronym

Chapter 47

The harsh stage lighting hit my pale skin, reflecting off my high cheekbones and sharp jawline. The air was warm but not in the most comfortable way. I felt like I could feel every person watching me stand before them on a stage in a blue pantsuit because let's face it, I'm not a dress person and I never will be. I wasn't Sylvia. Though that ever present fact was a key reminder of why I was slightly nervous standing on this NYU campus.

My lungs filled with air as I parted my lips and spoke, speakers projecting my voice out to the hundreds of people in front of me. This was really happening. "I'd like to start out by thanking everyone for coming out here today because without you I'm just rambling to myself about how the world is messed up and that's takes a pretty gut wrenching turn very quickly," I joked lightly, earning a few laughs across the room. "You'll have to forgive me if this goes badly, I've only done one of these before."

"But in all seriousness, some of you might now me for various reasons, maybe one of which is the Ted Talk I did just over a year ago with Sylvia Riley about how our society responds to rape as a whole. While that issue is still very near and dead to my heart, that is not what I will be talking about tonight."

"I'm a professional hockey player and this is my fiancé, Beckett Sampson," I paused, gesturing to Beck two feet away from me. At least he was doing this with me because I didn't have the nerve to do it on my own. Sylvia was there for the first one but I can't talk about how I'm suicidal on my own. "Instead, tonight we will be talking about something I've been struggling with for eight years and something that effects the people around me on a daily basis. My name is Danielle Riley and I'm not afraid to admit I have been suicidal for almost a decade."

It's out there. The thing is been hiding from the world for years was out in the open for everyone to hear. I was so worried about potential employers but now they knew everything. "I won't lie and say it's easy. I won't say therapy and medication solved problems or even makes them better, in some cases. And I most certainly will never tell you having loved ones to support you helps. The reality of the situation is that depression and suicide are perpetual rides that it's victims can not get off of and the people in their lives are just as helpless and trapped."

"I've only been diagnosed with depression for around a year, but I've struggled with it for much longer than that. This is not a disease that will be cured or sent into remission; I've struggled with it since I was as young as ten. My suicidal thoughts are very different and much newer. I've attempted suicide a total of six times to date and every time I have a moment of clarity to pull me out, but for millions of people, and myself, we are faced with the bleak and incredibly likely reality that one day we won't have that break."

"The first three or four times, people saw me and stopped me before I could get the chance. In all honesty, the other two I was pressed for time and the thought of someone I love finding my body in less than twenty minutes was too much to beat."

"What people don't realize is that in that moment, nothing you say can help someone. They have to want it," Beck's deeper voice filled my ears as I looked at him to my right. There was something so compelling about the way Beck spoke to crowds of people. I'd seen his compassion in interviews but now I was seeing his ability to captivate people on a true level. He didn't even need to be speaking about something thought provoking to grab people's undivided attention, he was just that powerful. I could only hope to be as all consuming as Beckett Sampson. That power was not one that went unnoticed when I first met his strong headed, stoic nature. "And that's something that a lot of people struggle to truly grasp. I know for myself, at first it was hard to imagine the happy woman I was in love with being in such a dark place that taking her life was the only option. But that is the thing; suicidal thoughts and depression are no where near constant things. They flip on an off throughout years, months, week, and even hours. It could be the best day of your life and suddenly you're feeling the worst you have ever felt and the calm, empty release of death seems like the only viable option."

"It took me months to come to the the realization that there was nothing I could do to help Danny. Everyone can act like supporting someone fixes the problem, but it doesn't. Therapy and medication don't fix illnesses; they attempt to manage them and a lot of times they fail."

"And sometimes the guilt of knowing you're letting the people working so hard to support you down only makes it worse," I added on honestly, a slightly frown tugging at the bottom of my lips. "But again, that is not my loved ones faults. All of these symptoms are things that I create on my own and the things we craft in our own minds are always the hardest ones to conquer because they are a part of us."

"It's easy for people to look at us and think we've got it all. Money doesn't fix problems and it sure helps my manage them, but it certainly can not protect people from their own thoughts. The human mind is a powerful thing; so powerful it can destroy itself."

"I hid this part of myself for years because I was scared of how people would view my career and my family's careers as a result but now I realize it will always be a part of me and I have to own that for the sake of others. Just because you aren't sad all the time doesn't mean your suffering counts for les. Just because your life seems perfect on the outside doesn't mean you have no right or feel how you do. Your therapist can walk you through all the reasons your logic is wrong, your family can support you to the point of guilt, or they can ignore you and inversely validate your feelings of low self worth; everyone on the planet can try to make you feel better, but none of it will do anything unless you are truly ready for a change.l

"I can proudly say I haven't attempted suicide or self harmed in seven months and I wish I could get up here and tell you how I've managed that, but I honestly don't know. I went from having urges to slit my wrists while making breakfast or wanting to overdose on my medication to being, for the most part, alright and I have no clue how I did it. So to everyone who thinks they understand us; accept that you don't and give us time because sometimes that's the only cure."

"I can not tell you how many people I have known that have honestly said 'I would commit suicide but blank is stoping me'," Beck took over. Like me, he used his hands when he spoke but not overzealously. They hovered in front of him at about elbow height and emphasized the flow of his words and erased the notion or rigidness. Beck was a natural born speaker but I suspect that has to do with the upbringing his father forced upon him. "One of my closest friends struggled with suicidal tendencies in high school and he would tempt fate consistently, but he would always stop himself when he thought of his sister. Danny mentioned it earlier, but she didn't want her family to find her body. As someone on the outside, potentially the person that would be walking into that situation, you start to think it's your fault or that you could have done something differently but the reality is, just being there and seeing that person helps them. Don't pry, just show your loved ones that you are there. Because honestly, especially for teens, one of the biggest things keeping them alive is that they don't want to hurt their family or younger siblings. That's doesn't mean that people who take their own lives don't care, it just means that being emotionally available can sometimes make a difference. It might be hard to believe, but suicide is usually no one's fault. Every person in this world can think they control their thoughts and emotions but they don't. Our brains are amazing feats of life and we can not even begin to control where they wander. Millions of people are just unfortunate enough that their brain takes a less than optimal path. They are some of the most loving, compassionate, and kindest people you will ever meet because they know what it's like to feel none of those emotions."

"We are all people," I spoke confidently, my voice stronger than it has ever been. "We all feel things differently and see different lights at the end of the tunnel but as a society we should not shame or baby those who face suicide and depression. We can ironically be very happy most of the time but that's not all of us. We are all different and the only thing that will give us a fighting chance, is understanding that it is a long and difficult road and that despite seemingly impossible odds, eventually we can make it to the end of the tunnel."

And as I looked out to the crowds of people seated across the room, all looking at me for my words of wisdom, all I could focus on was Beck's presence behind me and the glittering diamond weighing my finger down.

"This is a world of pain and it always will be, but together we can try to fight that."

In the middle of the searing fire, I had the people around me to take just as many of the burns and that's truly all that matters.