the circus she wrote

chapter 11.

His laugh still makes me cry out in my sleep. Jerry and penny woke me up every time I cried. They reminded me we will get out and we will be fine. Penny started crying out in pain at night. That pushed Jerry harder to get out so we could take her to a hospital.

We finally got our hands on a map. Apparently our school was only ten miles on foot from here we would leave right after the performance which is a half an hour until school was out. We would get to the school five minutes before school got out. Dad's words repeated in my head. He always said to me "where ever you go you will always find a rainbow. Even when it's stormy. " I miss him so much. He is my hero. He helped me through everything.

The showman have us five minutes to get ready for practice. He has me and penny switch positions. I was flying through the air and she was working with lions in crutches. We were in the same outfits but different colors. i was in purple and black this time. i felt a little bit of relief flying through the air with jerry. everytime i slipped i was laughed at but jerry always caught me. he had penny and my back no matter what. he was a trusted friend to the end and back. practice was almost over at the time. i had stopped hating practice. it was my little taste of freedom. i had started to become claustrophobic and afraid of the dark because of that room. my sisters melody,sarah,and kat always had my back.

 i remember before i got together with gabe melody and i were running around. when we went around the corner gabe was standing by the gym wall and i stopped. i had froze. melody yelled out "oh look Ashlee its your future husband." i was so mad that i accidentally ripped her hair out. it wasn't a lot of hair but i still felt bad for her.  when i saw jerry it reminded me of my ex. he was a mistake waiting to happen. he was sweet outside but a complete dick inside. he believed all of the drama and not his girlfriend. that's what hurt the most. when he confronted me about we ended up breaking up he had thrown nacho cheese at me and made me cry. i never cry but that really hurt. ever since he knows how to push me. 

when he started acting that way i started cutting myself and was diagnosed with level 3 depression. when people saw my cuts on my arm they yelled.  when i tried to overdose they called suicide hotline. i went through a whole year of being on and off of suicide watch. it was hard but my sisters were always there for me. they were upset that i had done what i did but it helped when they were there to cry with me. after a while of being in the saphire circus i felt my depression coming back. something told me that my depression would get worse. there was no smiling or sunshine anymore.