in silence ᴰᴼᴵᴸ

１８.

☄️🌨️☄️

Loneliness, quietness, they all could define emptiness, the feeling that wasn't unknown for human but it was rather hidden or overlooked. It could be compared to love as funny as it sounded it was true. Emptiness and love, two total opposites yet so similar and close. People didn't realize them.

How can someone who he has been always alone realize the void space in his heart? How could he when he hasn't experienced the feeling of fullness or love.

Of course, emptiness didn't exactly mean being alone, in fact, one can feel empty although he has many people around him, either caring or not. It was a feeling, feeling of something missing as if stolen, looking for answers that will never show up even if the person travels to Moon and back to find them. The love was a lot more of a complicated complex, how could people overlook it when it's so obvious? Easy answer – they're scared. Too scared to feel, too scared to see what it makes them do and where it puts them. And this is what makes these two emotions so close. People are scared to admit them. To admit they love or to admit they don't –because they have nobody to love.

They are scared to be forgotten.

That's what Taeil felt. Emptiness. He was surrounded by his friends, chatting about useless things yet recently he has been feeling something missing. It wasn't only about Doyoung not being there although he was so sure the boy felt better after the weekend but didn't show up next two weeks. Maybe only a bit he was worried, but Yuta and Johnny also asked about the boy. Taeil texted him but got no answer back and only the thought of talking to his mom made him feel embarrassed.

Perhaps it was the atmosphere. They chatted, yes, but since those seemingly innocent words left Yuta's lips something changed and they were more distant than they have ever been. It was one of the things he feared.

The emptiness was a fear but not only one and not the worst one. Fear of realising and missing something, it was all connected, and Taeil realised it too late. He was missing pieces of information, something he thought he knew but he was so wrong. He was so sure he knew Doyoung at least a little bit after more than three months but– he was wrong. And the more days passed without the boy showing up, the more he wasn't sure if he was worried about the boy not being there or suddenly facing him one day.

He thought about it all, looking through it again and again, playing with it like with cards by tossing and shuffling. From whichever point of view he looked at it he still felt bad. Towards that boy named Sicheng and towards Doyoung. But there was something in him, a really small part that actually expected that and made him prepared for the worst. This wasn't the worst, it just wasn't good.

His endless trail of thoughts was cut off by sudden sound, as if pulling him from dreaming, the up to now muffled noise suddenly getting louder. He confusingly turned to Johhny. "Huh?"

"You're daydreaming. Again."

"Oh sorry." Taeil gave him goofy smile but Johhny didn't grin like always, rather worried look flickering in his eyes.

It wasn't that serious, really, but it somehow made all of them feel down. It blended with the stress because of upcoming exams making their nerves unstable.

Yuta, on the other hand, hummed some song while doing his homework not being affected at all. Taeil envied him, he could let go of the things faster and focus on much more important things. Taeil himself didn't know what was important to him and what wasn't, he often cared about useless things.  Still, it didn't get to him how the boy did it– after all, Yuta was the one who experienced Sicheng crying, not him neither Johnny.

"If it's about Doyoung, let go. We should focus on more relevant things right now."

"It is relevant, Johnny. Doyoung is our friend, he should be here right now."