I Was Amity...

20

The door to the Pit closes behind me, and I'm alone. I have not walked this tunnel since the day of the Choosing Ceremony. I remember how I walked it then, almost tripping over my own two feet in the darkness. I don't need light anymore, I walk with confidence, sure of myself. It has been four days since I spoke to Tori.

I reach the end of the tunnel. The net stretches across the gaping hole, just as it did when I last saw it. I climb the stairs to the wooden platform where Four pulled me to solid ground and grab the bar that the net is attached to. I lift my body up with ease, rolling into the middle of the net. Above me are the empty buildings that stand at the edge of the hole, and the sky. It is dark blue and starless. There is no moon.

A million thoughts race through my mind as I sit in the net. Has leadership found out about me being Divergent? How has my mom adapted to being the new Amity representative? Sometimes I think she will just come strutting in through the door to see me. She would lie about being here on official business. How has my mom adapted to life without Johanna? How has she adapted to life without me? I need to stop thinking about my mom and Amity.

I need to remember why I came here. Why I was so determined to jump off a building to be here, to be Dauntless. I didn't even know what being Dauntless meant when I first got here. I work my fingers through the holes in the net beneath me. I wanted to be like the Dauntless I saw at school. I wanted to be loud and daring and free like them. But they were not members yet; they were just playing at being Dauntless. And so was I, when I jumped off that roof. I didn't know what fear was. In the past four days, I faced four fears. In one I was attacked by dogs again, but this time it was only three. It was slower and more painful. In another I was in complete darkness again, but this time I didn't break through the wall. In another I was drowning again, this time in the middle of an ocean as the water raged around me. In the third, I fell to my death from the hub. It felt like I was falling for ages. And in the fourth, I watched my mother, father, and brother die. I know what fear is now.

Wind rushes over the lip of the hole and washes over me, and I close my eyes. In my mind I stand at the edge of the roof again. I'm standing there in my red and yellow Amity clothes. I open my eyes. No, I was wrong; I didn't jump off the roof because I wanted to be like the Dauntless. I jumped off because I already was like them, and I wanted to show myself to them. I wanted to acknowledge a part of myself that Amity demanded that I hide. I stretch my hands over my head and hook them in the net again. I reach with my toes as far as I can, taking up as much of the net as possible. The night sky is empty and silent, and for the first time in four days, so is my mind. I hold my head in my hands and breathe deeply. Today I watched my family die. My father and brother like they had in real life. My mother died slowly after being shot.

When I lift my head, I see that Four is watching me.

"I know the simulation isn't real," I say.

"You don't have to explain it to me," Four replies. "You love your family. You don't want to see them die."

"I wish it were that easy," I say, debating whether or not I should tell Four the truth, "My brother and father are dead. They died in the exact way as they did today in the simulation."

Four looks at me with a puzzled look. "I didn't know that. I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I've had enough people take pity on me for my shitty life in Amity." I smile at him to reassure him he didn't need to feel sympathetic. Even though he says I don't, I feel like I have to explain why this fear is so difficult for me to face. "I miss them. You ever just... miss your family?"

Four looks down. "No," he says eventually. "I don't. But that's unusual."

It is unusual, there has to be a reason why. What was his family like that he no longer cares about them?