I Was Amity...

25

Lauren, the instructor of the Dauntless-born initiates, stands with her hands on her hips outside the fear landscape room. "Two years ago," she says, "I was afraid of spiders, suffocation, walls that inch slowly inward and trap you between them, getting thrown out of Dauntless, uncontrollable bleeding, getting run over by a train, my father's death, public humiliation, and kidnapping by men without faces." Everyone stares blankly at her. "Most of you will have anywhere from ten to fifteen fears in your fear landscapes. That is the average number."

"What's the lowest number someone has gotten?" Lynn asks.

"In recent years, four," Lauren tells us.

I haven't looked at Four since we were in the cafeteria, but I can't help but look at him now. He keeps his eyes trained on the floor. I knew that four was a low number, low enough to merit a nickname, but I didn't know it was less than half the average. He's exceptional. And now he won't even look at me.

"You will not find out your number today," Lauren tells us.. "The simulation is set to my fear landscape program, so you will experience my fears instead of your own." I give Olivia a pointed look. I was right, there was no chance in us going into Four's fear landscape. "For the purposes of this exercise, though, each of you will only face one of my fears, to get a sense for how the simulation works." Lauren points to us at random and assigns us each a fear.

I was standing in the back, so I go close to last. The fear that she assigned to me is kidnapping. I think I can handle this. This fear isn't one of my own, that I know of.

I'm not hooked up to the computer as I wait, so I can't watch the simulation, only the person's reaction to it. It is the perfect way to distract myself from my preoccupation with Four. I clench my hands into fists as Calum brushes off spiders I can't see. Uriah presses his hands against walls that are invisible to me. I smirk when I see Scott turn bright red during whatever he experiences in "public humiliation." I'm thankful I didn't receive that one. Public humiliation is one of my fears, just like Eric.

Then it's my turn. The obstacle won't be comfortable for me, but because I have been able to manipulate every simulation, not just this one, and because I have already gone through Four's landscape, I'm not apprehensive as Lauren inserts the needle into my neck. Then the scenery changes and the kidnapping begins.

The ground turns into grass beneath my feet, and hands clamp around my arms, over my mouth. It is too dark to see. I stand next to the chasm. I hear the roar of the water. I begin to thrash trying to free myself, but the arms are too strong; my kidnappers are too strong. I keep trying to jab my elbow into any of my capture's body parts. I try to bring my leg up and back in an attempt to knock whoever is holding me over. Nothing I do sets me free.

"Stop," a stern voice says.

The hands disappear, and the lights come on. I stand on cement in the fear landscape room. I can still faintly feel the arms wrapped around me. I don't know how I stayed so calm, but I'm proud of myself. I didn't let Lauren's fear get the best of me. I never stopped fighting. I hear footsteps.

Four walks toward me, no emotion visible on his face. "You did good, Flower Child."

"Thanks. I knew I couldn't give up. I can't give up," I state.

"You're free to go, you're done for the day."

I give Four a weak smile and walk out the door.

I pull my jacket tight around my shoulders. I haven't been outside in a long time. The sun is starting to go down, and I watch my breaths form in the air. I'm sitting on the rooftop of the Dauntless compound, the one I had to jump off of on my first day here.