HAPPY | ✔

17.0 TRAUMA AND ACCEPTANCE

"When I was six years old, I loved bugs and snakes and spiders. I even tried making friends with the monsters under my bed and convinced myself the rattling in my closet at night was because the boogeyman was cold. So I'd throw him my blanket."

She giggled. But it wasn't a cheerful sound. It was subtle and quiet. It reminded me of lonely nights and dark corners.

"My parents took me to a summer fair at Long Island. I went on almost every ride twice, except that one. I saw the carousel as child's play. Who wanted to sit on a piece of wood going round and round? It was far too tame for someone who was gonna grow up to be Wonder Woman some day," she gave a dramatic scoff and rolled her eyes like a Valley girl, "Boringgg. Bring on the roller coasters and the go-carts!"

She kicked at invisible pebbles with the toe of her heel down the cobbled path.

"But my best friend at the time, Maria, insisted. So when my parents stopped a booth over to get hot wings and popcorn, we ran off for one last ride. It was exactly what I thought it would be, an absolute waste of time. I was going to fall asleep on that thing. But this was my last ride before we had to head home. This couldn't be it. No way I was gonna go out like a wimp on some pansy carousel.

"There was no time to join another line, so I decided to make due. Like a ninja, I climbed on to the back of the horse. Maria screamed at me, asking me what stupidity I was up to now. The parents standing by for their own kids begged me to sit down. They didn't understand, Wonder Woman was invincible. Their worry was for nothing. All the screaming got the attention of the attendant. He tried to to stop the ride but it was too late.

"For one blissful moment, I stood on that horse, balancing on a single leg, the other floating in the air, holding on to the metal pole with one hand. I felt indestructable, mighty, free.

"Before I slipped on the glossy surface of its saddle and went flying off the platform. I landed badly and broke my arm. It was then that I finally knew pain, and fear. I watched myself bleed and thought, surely this was how I was going to go. I'd never see my parents again or Maria or my favourite teacher, Mr. Harris. I was going to die. So, I cried."

She looked up at me with sad eyes, but there were no tears. Only a soft sorrowful smile. And I knew she never got over it. Would probably never get over it. This was something that had instilled a crippling angst that would perhaps never leave.

"I realized then, that I could never be her. She was strong and brave and I was...not."

Silence compassed us for a brief moment. Urged to offer her whatever comfort I could, I tighted my fingers around her own and blurted, "At least you realized it then and not when you tried jumping off the Empire State Building, convinced you could fly."

I deserved a kick in the nuts (well not really, because that would be awfully painful). I should have told her that she was brave and strong and fierce. Gah! Facepalm.

She smiled. Then she laughed. Loudly. Unconcerned when others stopped to stare.

Her eyes crinkled until they were barely there and her teeth glistened in the evening sun. I caught a glimpse of that pretty pink tongue between her grinning lips.

I was transported back to that very first night. I had gazed into her eyes and had seen a sadness just like this one. I had made her laugh and her sorrow had evaporated like water droplets on fresh springs leaves. And I felt like I had the biggest dïck in the room.

Because she had spoken to me, because she had laughed in my direction, looked at me with adoring eyes that made me feel like a man.

There was just something about this girl that just wrecked me. She was just fücking perfection. My heart felt heavy and I struggled to understand how it was possible to feel this way about somebody so fast. How was it possible to simply look at someone and know. Know that you could see yourself with them for the rest of your life.

It was too soon for my head to call it what my heart already knew it was.

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I believe this moment left such an impact on Joyce's life because it was at this point in time that she was forced to grow up. Through pain and fear she was made to realize fact from fiction. With the simple fact being that her hero was fiction. Wonder Woman's feats were unattainable, and the sooner she ceased trying, the better.

Could you possibly recall the exact point in time that you were forced to grow up?
For me, it was never one moment, rather, it was a collection of them. My parents were going through a nasty separation and instead of handling the issue like adults, they decided to use me to bait the other. I was about 10/11 years old. It was truly a... trying time.

Anyway...
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Seeing all the support I have received makes me so happy (lol). Thank you for reading.