Perfect Lie - Yoonmin

16. Reflection

TW: mentions bad body image and anorexia thoughts and behaviours

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With no time to prepare at all, Yoongi is at my door.

I was debating to just let him stand outside, but the vigorous knocking and yelling might cause the neighbours to question the events. I don't want them to call my parents, because I would have no idea of a reasonable reason to have a friend wait outside in the cold, shouting that I should open the door immediately.

As soon as I turn the key in the lock, Yoongi swings the door open and walks, or stamps, into the hallway, grabbing my shoulders and pushing me against the wall.

I have no time to process the episode. The only thing now playing in my head is Yoongi's intense eyes staring at me furiously.

'Yoongi, what the...-'. I can't properly form sentences; I'm too shocked. This doesn't seem like Yoongi at all.

'Why are you still doing this, Jimin?' His voice was soft, which was unexpected. Judging from his look, I was preparing to endure angry screaming, but this was far worse; disappointment.

'Wh-... what do you mean?' I try to keep my voice steady.

He finally lets go of my shoulder and drags me by my arm to the couch in the living room, where he urges me to sit down next to him. His face has softened, but the upset look has not left his face yet.

'You need to stop this Jimin. Firstly, you ignore all my attempts to try and help you. Then you don't show up to work anymore. And on top of that...' He hesitates for a moment.

'Whilst I was driving to work this afternoon, I saw you walk home, when you tossed away your packed lunch in a bin', he finally says in a beaten voice.

A wave of guilt and nerves fills my entire body. I'm always careful that no one sees my restrictions: I make sure that mom doesn't find my hidden food, that Taehyung doesn't see me throw away my lunch, and the list goes on. But that means that I'm filled with an everlasting sense of vulnerability; of being found out, and then being forced to do what I dread most: eat.

So I don't say anything, because there is nothing to say. If he saw me throw away my food this afternoon, which I did, I have no further explanation. He would see right through my lies, just as he has done until now.

'After you again hadn't turned up to work today, I was done with it and decided to come to your place,' Yoongi continues when I don't say anything to defend myself.

For a couple of minutes, we stay in complete silence. I can feel Yoongi's eyes staring at me, but I fix my eyes on the corner of the rug, knowing that I would break down as soon as I met his glance.

'Jimin...' Yoongi then whispers, his voice brittle. But I keep my eyes fixed on that one point.

'Jimin, look at me... please', his tone, pleading me to listen, awakens my numbed state of mind and I finally look up.

I still remember how my brother looked when we were at my grandpa's funeral. His face fallen, eyes dark; the only way you can look when you're faced with a dead person.

That's how he looks at me right now.

'Can't you see what you're doing to yourself? You can't keep going like this... you're killing yourself with every minute you continue living like this... why can't you see that?' I've never seen Yoongi being like this, usually he's so happy and confident. Now he seems just as unsure as I am.

'I... I'm not in such a bad state', I mutter out.

At those words, Yoongi lifts himself off the couch and drags me along with him towards the bathroom, where he places me in front of the mirror.