Perfect Lie - Yoonmin

17. Point of No Return

Yoongi sits beside me on my bed. We decided to make a concrete plan of action; I've had enough of being content with the status quo, it's time for a change.

Neither he or I have acknowledged what just happened a few moments ago. I'm not even sure what has happened myself, and what this makes us. All I know is that I don't want any status quo on our previous friend status: it's time for an upgrade.

'I know you probably don't want to hear this', says Yoongi. I swallow, afraid of the words that'll follow. 'But, you should really seek professional help'.

Yes, that's what I was afraid of. Stuck in a room with a person who tries to help me, without even fully understanding how I work. A person who thinks they are qualified enough to tell me what to do and how I should behave based on a piece of paper they once received. Not to mention the extremely high costs of just one hour of talking. Before I can say anything to wipe this idea from his mind, Yoongi opens his mouth again.

'I want you to know that you will always have the final choice on everything. I can suggest all the help and therapy there is, but in the end: it's all your decision. It's all your responsibility. All I can do is take your hand and lead you along the way'. As the words leave his lips, he takes my hands, which have been anxiously tugging the sleeves of my jumper, and rests them in the palm of his hand.

'I won't do anything you don't want, but I will do things you, or more specifically Bob, doesn't like since that is the only way change can happen'. I nod as a wave of relief washes over me. It doesn't, however, hold back my already sweaty hands from creating even more liquid as they intertwine with Yoongi's.

'So, what's your decision?' Yoongi says.

Great, I love making decisions.

'Uhm... Can't we, like, uh...' All I know is that I don't want people to know. I can solve it on my own. With Yoongi, then, maybe.

'Can we please not involve my mom into this?' I manage to whisper. 'Which also means no therapy or anything. Please. I don't want anyone else to worry about me, it's not necessary'. My pleading eyes don't break him. At least he doesn't show it.

Yoongi tries to hide his disappointment from me, but he doesn't succeed entirely. His lips press together slightly and his eyes fall. At the same time, my stomach drops. It hurts to see Yoongi like this, and I'm sure he feels the same way when he looks at me; he has expressed that many times over. However, I won't let the guilt talk me into things I don't want to promise him. 

'If that's what you want, I won't force you into anything. All I can do is say that you cannot do this alone, and I'm not sure if I can help you enough, as I'm by no means an expert on this topic'. He waits a moment before he continues, probably hoping for me to change my mind. But if there's anything I'm sure about concerning my personality, is that I'm stubborn as hell.

'But', he eventually continues, 'if this is what you want, I'm sure we can make it at least a part along the way, together'. He smiles, and softly squeezes my hands, as in some form of encouragement.

'Thank you', is all I manage to say, as my throat clams shut by the realisation that this might be a turning point: a point where I actually have to recover. The point of no return. Tears begin to well in my eyes.

I'm just able to whisper 'I'm scared' before I throw myself into Yoongi's arms.

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Knock knock

I can hear Yoongi shuffle things around behind the door of his apartment, probably looking for the keys or something.