forget me not

two (edited)

dear diary.

i remember the exact moment things got bad. it was a year and a half ago if i counted correctly, and as far as i know, i woke up with a broken heart. the only problem is, i have no idea why.

i've been desperately trying to remember the previous night, but it's all gone. it's not even a blur. it's a blank space. my brain doesn't have any memory of the night before ever happening.

so there i was, waking up with a sense of loss, but getting up and driving to my new apartment in london anyways. during the drive up i remembered the first time i saw the apartment. i was with someone. i have memories of me talking to them, but the memories all look like me talking to myself in an empty room.

a few days later i started reading a new novel. the main character had mentioned something about how she had never had a boyfriend before, and i cannot for the life of me remember my ex boyfriend, or the breakup.

my brain knows that i was with someone, but i don't remember any of it happening. after googling my symptoms and scaring the crap out of myself, i found myself at the doctors at least once a month trying to get an answer other than "you most likely fell or hit your head. it's short term memory loss. it'll come back."

but it's been a year and a half. nothing has come back. i don't even remember who i am anymore. all i know is that something big is missing, and i can't find it. not to mention, it's a little hard to mend a broken heart if you don't even know why it broke in the first place.

i feel like i've wasted the 18 months i've been in london. my brain is constantly foggy, i can't maintain friendships, i'm too depressed to make an effort to make new ones... at this point i spend most of my time practicing small charms. for example, i can make a ball of paper float up three feet and burn slowly.

the only person i regularly make an effort to be around is my guardian witch. similar to a guardian angel, she guided me through the process of becoming a decent witch. she teaches me to be good, and comes to me when i'm in need.

today, she had enough of my shit (in the nicest way possible.) she told me i can't waste my time stirring tea without touching the spoon or turning my bath water pink. i need a real, human life.

i guess i can see what she means. so what did i do? i signed up for a pottery class. something art related. one thing about magic is that you can't use it to make art. art comes from the soul, and my soul needed some heavy duty remodeling.

according to clarice (my guardian witch) my goal is to make at least one friend while i'm there, and try my hardest to keep them in my life. with the power of a small confidence charm, by tomorrow i should have someone to help mend my broken heart.

wish me luck.

- bea

(543 words)