forget me not

five (edited)

dear diary.

it's been 20 months since i woke up sad, 2 months since i joined the pottery class, and one month since gemma moved in.

every time something in my life changes, i get convinced that it's the answer to my prayers. the pottery class was supposed to make the holes i my memory less daunting.

becoming best friends with gemma styles was supposed to be a relieving emotional outlet. gemma moving in was supposed to be a good 24/7 distraction from the feeling of loss i've been burdened with.

considering i said "supposed to" you can probably infer that it's been a disappointment. don't get me wrong, gemma is my best friend, but a lesson i've learned is that it doesn't matter who's around to witness your presence, your mental state isn't effected by its viewer.

if you're as far gone as me, having a friend around doesn't decrease the pain. whether or not you're completely alone with your thoughts, or you're in a stadium full of people, there's still gonna be that bad part of you lurking over your shoulder.

i'm beginning to loose hope, which is completely out of character for me. at least it used to be. i was so different then. if only i could remember what changed. i'm so tired of feeling this way. i don't even know who i am anymore.

for heavens sakes, i would feel just as miserable as i am now in any amazing situation. including being in a room with harry styles. which is definitely saying something.

i don't think gemma understands that though. i think she thinks that i can get out of my head if i'm surrounded by music and lots of people. one thing i'm sure of is that i used to be that way.

the one thing i can fully remember is that music was love for me. it made everything go away. i could get lost in someone's voice and melt away. the only problem is, i can't remember who's voice it was. i've given up on it. the voice that i fantasize about isn't real anymore. i'll never find it again.

gemma is on the phone with harry right now. they're talking about me. i don't say that because of witches intuition, i say that because i can hear gemma's distorted voice through the wall. "i'll be side stage then? oh, there's a separate section? where? oh, in front of the pit? to the left? can you just have someone take me there so they don't question who i am?"

she's going to his show on friday night. that's what i've gathered so far. "can i bring someone? no, it's not her, i promise. i know, i know harry. yeah, i know. no i'm not gonna fight you about it. you won't listen to me, i've given up. i won't bring her. i'll bring someone else."

remember how before i said i wasn't referring to witches intuition? now i am. she's lying about something. she's keeping something from harry and she's quite nervous about it.

i truly am at a loss here. how many times am i going to catch gemma in a lie? why does my witches intuition want someone so dishonest- toxic? no... that's too harsh. anyways, why does my witches intuition want someone so untrustworthy to be my support system?

there's no "witches handbook" but it's implied that you're never supposed to question your witches intuition. it's always right. unfortunately when you're as sad as me, you have a lot of free time on your hands when it comes to questioning things you shouldn't be.

what's happening to me? what is wrong with me? why have i lost all trust in people? god damnit i just wanna know what the hell made me this way. it's like a switch. one second i was so happy, and the next it's two years later and i've got nothing to live for anymore.

i'm getting worked up. if i don't shut myself up i'm sure i'll suffocate. i'm beginning to have a panic attack now. i've got a calming potion but it takes half an hour to work. what's the point. not just in taking the potion, but in anything? what. is. the. point.

(713 words)