our secret places (tyrus)

i get it

~tj's pov~

i returned home from school right away that day. i wanted to be happy, i really did, but my fears just kept finding a way to ruin any good feelings i had. any time i thought of cyrus, my mid immediately jumped to the thought of having to tell my family about him. any time i thought of how good it was to know who i was finally, my mind skipped to how everyone at school would react to my news. when i finally couldn't take the intrusive thoughts anymore i decided to play some loud music in order to drown it all out, a technique i had learned from cyrus. i had completely forgotten about everything and i let the sounds of the songs take over my mind, until amber snapped me out of my trance.

"hey, teej, what's up?" she said while leaning against my door frame.

"oh uh, nothing, just a lot on my mind."

"please tell me what's going on. you've been acting so weird recently and i want to make sure that you're alright." i didn't say anything after that, hoping that she'd go away, "i'm not leaving until i know for sure nothing is going on." she seemed serious that she wasn't leaving, and she would probably outlast me in a silence game.

"okay. i'll talk to you, but you cannot tell anyone else about this, okay?" i said, she nodded in response. i got up to close and lock the door to make sure that our parents didn't overhear or walk in on the conversation. "something has been going on that's been making me very confused." i said, not wanting to give away too many details about my situation.

"what kind of confused?" i looked at the floor, unsure of how to answer, "like school confused?"

"no."

"confused about girls?" 

"i guess. but it's more complicated than that." it all felt so real now. i was so close to telling my sister my biggest secret in the world. 

"are- are you confused about boys." yes. absolutely yes! i wanted to scream that that's what i was thinking about right to her face, but something kept me from speaking. all i could do was look at the ground, frozen. "i'm going to take that as a yes. don't worry, i get it, i really do."

"no you don't," i said quietly.

"i do."

"no you don't! you don't get the confusion and fear i've been feeling over the past couple months. it all sucks and nobody gets it."

"tj listen to me! i do get it! i get the confusion of wondering why everyone else seems to have crushes on boys, but you don't notice them like that. i get the fear of not wanting anyone else to know because of the changes you might face. i get exactly what's going on, exactly."

"you do?" i asked.

"yes. that's why i want to help you with whatever you're going through, because i went through it too." she pulled me into a tight hug and didn't let go for a long time. i felt safe with her, like nothing could hurt me as long as i was with my sister. "so what's been making you so confused?" that was a loaded question. was it cyrus? yeah i guess, but it was also my friends, and the world, and everything.

"well there's a boy," i said, deciding to go with the easiest answer. "we've been becoming really good friends lately and i started noticing things about him that didn't seem like friend things."

"what sort of stuff did you notice?"

"his eyes, they're a deep brown color that i can't help wanting to look into forever, and the way he looks down when he looks down when he smiles, like he doesn't know how cute it is."

"wow. you really like him don't you?" amber said with a smirk on her face.

"yeah i really do. and he was feeling pretty upset one day so i took him to a secret room i know about in the library. we talked for the whole lunch hour, he's so easy to talk to. and then he showed me a cool shed he found in the park and we talked for hours in there. and uh-" i cut my self off, realizing that i had just broken me and cyrus' promise of 'what happens in the secret places stays in the secret places'

"why'd you stop talking? is there more to say?"

"uh, we sort of said we wouldn't tell anyone about what goes on in our secret places."

" 'your secret places'? that's adorable, but teej come on! i'm your sister, you can tell me what happened, i'll keep my mouth shut."

i was hesitant to continue the story, knowing what happened the next time we hung out, but i told her anyway. "well. the next time we hung out in the shed, um, he asked me if i liked him... and i said no."

"what! why would you say that?" she yelled at me as she punched me in the arm lightly.

"i don't know! i just thought that maybe if i denied everything then it would go away, but it didn't. i just felt so guilty that i hurt him, and i couldn't stand seeing him sad. so..."

"so what? what happened?" amber was acting like this was some story, not my real life.

"so i did the only thing i could think of to make him feel better. i kissed him."

"oh my god! you had your first kiss! that's so sweet oh my god!"

"amber chill out please! it's not amazing it's making me feel all anxious and scared."

"sorry."

"that's not all though. we didn't talk for a bit after that. when we did i caved and told him about all of my fears surrounding us and why i was so scared to be with him, and then i had my second kiss."

"This sounds like a happy ending, why do you still seem so upset?"  

I was overwhelmingly exhausted at this point, my brain felt like it had melted down into goop. There was no way I could go into explaining all of my biggest fears without spontaneously combusting right there.

"Ambs, I'm tired. Maybe we can talk more another day?" 

"Totally, thank you for telling me. If you're ever feeling things like that again please come to me right away. Okay?"

"Of course." She left my room, turning off the light and shutting the door.