now i am [karamel]

twenty-five

My love, 

It's nearly four in the morning. I watched as the doctors did all sorts of things to you, and I tried to remain brave for you. I tried to stay by your side. But I couldn't just watch unflinching while they used knives and needles to brutally cut you open, so I turned away from you. I'm sorry. And now, I'm writing this letter to you. It's not like I'm actually going to give this to you, but I guess it just makes me feel better, like you're actually here and I'm talking to you.

I know how you felt now, when Cadmus captured and used me to get you to solar flare. I'm not sure if you already had feelings for me, but I sure as hell would've done anything to free you from the agony. I would've taken your place, given up my life in a heartbeat. And it pains me so much that I can't do anything to help you, not even wake you up— I selfishly want you to be here for this significant moment, but I know waking you up would increase the pain you're already feeling by a million times. 

Somehow, everything seems so unreal. Alex thinks I'm losing hope and keeps reassuring me it's going to be fine, but I know that, of course I do. You are Kara Zor-El, champion of Earth, the strongest person I have ever known, and I'll be damned if your end is going to be because of a tiny bullet and this little kid of ours growing inside of you. Having Alex by my side does help a lot. She's strong-willed and determined, but I'm struggling to grasp this. Just a few days ago, we were on Krypton, carefree and in love. Now, only one of that has changed.

And yet, this little voice inside my head keeps pestering me. What if it's not going to be fine? What if you're not going to be okay? I know I need to have hope. It's what you'd tell me if I were here, like Alex reminded me, but I simply can't have my heart shattered again. I've lost you so many times, but every time it hurts just as much as the first time did. I'm not exactly sure if I can go through that again and come out alive. I keep thinking of your radiant smile and the look of pure happiness in your eyes whenever you glance at me, and how I might never see them again. I'm trying to relax, to stay positive, but frankly? I'm terrified.

Worst of all are the flashbacks. I wish my memories could just leave me alone. Cadmus, Medusa, our first kiss, the day you discovered my true identity and how guilty I had felt, our first "I love you", the cool feeling of your necklace pressed against my palm when you were forced to send me away. And then I thought about how broken you were last year, when I returned with someone else. I hated every second of having to keep away from you just because I couldn't bear being close to you, I cried in my sleep, my heart broke every time I saw you shed a tear when you thought no one was looking. 

I know if you were awake right now, you'd tell me that it wasn't my fault, that I married Imra for the good of my people. And I'd feel the need to make up for it anyway, something that I learned from you. I want to wake up next to you every morning. I want us to go on little barbecues, picnics or vacations together-- whatever you feel like. I want to take your hand from J'onn's after you walk down the aisle. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, however long that may be. And here's to hoping I die first, so I won't ever have to live in a meaningless world without you.

I love you so much.

Yours eternally,

Mon-El