Boundaries (girlxgirl)

Guys, Girls, or Women

      Haley grew up in a small town where everyone knew everyone and everything. It was no secret why she had kept her preference in a romantic partner to herself. She was always disgusted with the guys she dated and would find every excuse to get out of spending time with them. This occurred for years in high school as she thought the issue was with the type of guy she dated rather than an issue with sex she dated. There was the emo kid, the band geek, the jock, and the bad boy that all resulted in the same ending with her breaking their hearts. What she did enjoy was playing volleyball around girls wearing spandex. Go figure, right? Well, Haley never dated a girl in high school, but came to terms with her sexuality around 10th grade. She distanced herself from intimate relationships, and instead gave all of her focus to her studies and athletics. The last thing she wanted anyone to suspect was that she was into girls. Haley was always introverted compared to others in her friend group. This made it less suspicious when she stopped dating guys.

      Her mother, on the other hand, knew her daughter too well to believe that nothing was wrong. After struggling with depression, self-identity, and her parent's divorce, Haley got to a breaking point that was the end of the line for her. She had to get the weight she'd been carrying around for years off of her chest. She wrote a note to her mother explaining what she had been going through, took it to her mom's room, curled up under a blanket and handed it to her for her to read. Silence for ten minutes seemed like hours. The only words Haley heard were ,"I still love you," before her mom took the note and left the room. She had sighed a breath of relief, but also understood her mom still needed time to process everything. Months went by where her mom was distant with her before she finally brought up the topic. Haley's mom talked about the nights she'd stay awake wondering if it was a phase and what the appropriate response would be. It took her until Haley's first girlfriend in college for her to realize it wasn't a phase and that she was happier with girls than she ever saw her with guys.

      Haley felt a familiar feeling with the girls she dated at the beginning of college as she did when she dated boys in early high school. They were all immature, inexperienced, and valued different things in their early 20s. Haley always considered herself an old soul. She liked in-depth talks about religion, politics, and anything that would help her learn and grow. She listened to classical music or jazz when she studied while her roommates partied and listened to hip-hop and rap. On Sunday evenings she'd set her alarm for Downton Abbey while her friends wanted to watch The Real Housewives. Haley often found herself having some of the best conversations with people three times her age. She could never find a girl her age that enjoyed or valued the same things she did. Instead, she spent her time with older coworkers who identified as gay and lesbian and found herself growing confident with who she was as a person.

      Tess wasn't the first older woman Haley found attractive. In seventh grade she found herself wanting to help Miss. R every time she had study hall and always preferred sitting right in front of her desk for English class. Miss. R was almost 12 years older than her, but Haley felt closer to her than anyone else her age. Sure, Haley could convince herself that she liked helping her because she was bored, but if she was being honest, it was because Miss. R was attractive and had a nice smile. That's something Haley has always been a sucker for on a woman. Looking back, Haley could see all the signs that not only did she prefer females, but she always fancied older women and liked to test the limits.