Straight To You

seventeen

After Dad and I found out that Mom was never going to come back home, things changed. This much should be obvious from the get-go, but at the time I wasn't expecting things to change so drastically and so fast.

We held Mom's funeral only two weeks after she was found. It was probably the worst day of my life. Seeing everyone that loved her gathered in one place, crying and mourning over the loss of my mother was awful. To make things worse, the funeral made everything all the more real for me. Mom wasn't coming home. She was gone for good.

I was never going to see her again.

After the funeral, Grandma and Grandpa (my mom's parents) came to visit us. Our house was unusually crowded that day, as everyone who attended the funeral and lots of others stopped by to pay their condolences. I especially remember Grandma and Grandpa's visit, because it wasn't really a visit.

It was a goodbye.

Both of them were a crying mess that day. Seeing my grandparents in such heartbreak really killed something deep inside me. I was never going to see my mother again, yes. But they had lost a daughter, and I knew their pain had to be worse than mine. After all, Mom was their only child. They never even got to say goodbye to her. They were never going to get that chance.

That day, Grandma and Grandpa told me and my Dad that they were going to be moving to Florida. It was too painful for them to stay in Texas. They saw my mother everywhere . . . yet they would never see her again. Irony, what a terrible thing.

At the time, I couldn't believe that they were leaving us. To me—at that time—it felt like everyone was leaving. I felt like I should have been counting down the minutes until it would be just me, all by myself, alone for good. I think I still feel like that at times; like one day I'll be completely and utterly by myself. Like everyone will leave me.

Now, however, I understand why Grandma and Grandpa had to leave Texas. I suppose it's the same reason my father eventually had to move, too. It was hard trying to live life the way we had before Mom passed, and I think deep down I know that my dad and I needed a fresh start. I have to admit that that's what moving to my father's hometown in Georgia has given us: a fresh start. It's with that in mind that I have since learned to forgive my grandparents, finally understanding why they did what they had to.

After all, sometimes I wish I could do the same thing. Pack up and leave, try to escape my pain.

Unfortunately, it's not that easy. And I know that it never really will be. Pain isn't something that you can just let go of. It's something you have to grow through.

• • •

"So," Lana says to me as we take our usual lunch seats in the cafeteria, glancing at me with bright eyes. "You and Lucas are a thing now?"

I shrug, not quite sure what to say in response to Lana's question. "I guess so," I admit, unintentionally looking around the cafeteria for the very boy we're talking about. "He asked me out, and I said yes. Does that count as a 'thing'?"