Straight To You

twenty

When Friday rolls around, I find that I'm hardly excited for the football game, which is shocking. I mean, I'm a die-hard football fan. Especially when my dad is involved. Yet I can't seem to muster the enthusiasm I'm supposed to have, and I know exactly why.

It's all because of Jack Crawford. I've ruined the peace between us yet again, and now I'm back to square one: avoiding him at all costs. But Jack is number one on the football team, so avoiding him is going to be pretty hard tonight.

I go to the game with Lana and Lucas, of course. Lucas holds my hand tightly in his own as we wander toward the bleachers, yet I don't feel anything at the action. I don't feel sparks at his touch. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach or shivers run down my spine, and I hate that. I hate that I don't love him the way I'm supposed to as his girlfriend. Deep down, I know that Lucas and I worked better as friends, and yet I can't seem to own up to it. Because as long as I'm with Lucas, I don't have to worry about Jack. It's selfish, I know, but it's the truth.

"Hey," Lucas says in my ear, speaking over the crowd around us. "Do you want to get some snacks or something?"

"Okay," I readily agree, too eager to stay in his good graces. Lucas doesn't know about what happened—or what almost happened—between me and Jack the other day in Jack's car, and I want to keep it that way. I ask Lana to save the two of us a seat before we wander over to the concession stand, waiting patiently in line together.

"You look pretty," Lucas tells me sweetly, an arm enclosing around my waist and pulling me into him. I'm simply wearing an old sweatshirt and torn jeans, but it's nice of him to say regardless.

"You think?" I tease, waiting to feel those old sparks that I used to feel around Lucas back when I first met him. But the problem is that I don't feel them anymore. And it's killing me.

"I do." Lucas's arms entwine themselves around my waist, pushing me back against the brick wall behind us as we wait in line. Then his lips are on mine, giving me a quick and sweet kiss. I don't feel butterflies in my stomach. I don't find myself wanting the kiss to last. But I need to feel that way. I need to like Lucas. I need to force those feelings I get around Jack on him, because I refuse to believe I'm really crushing on Jack Crawford. I don't want to hurt Lucas. If anything, I want to like him.

I just don't.

I guess that's why when he pulls away, I wrap my arms around his neck, kissing him all over again. I press my lips against Lucas's fervently, ignoring the way his lip ring digs into my bottom lip. I kiss him in a way I've never kissed a boy before, trying to find those butterflies. I kiss him hard, searching for those feelings I'm supposed to feel in his lips. But I can't find them, and it's hurting me worse than I want to admit.

After a moment, Lucas pulls back, both of us breathing heavily. After kissing him like that, he no doubt must think that I'm really into him. But I'm just not, and that's the problem.

My gaze slips past Lucas, landing somewhere to the left of him. Unintentionally, I find my gaze locks on just the boy I never seem to be able to escape anymore. There's Jack a few feet away, staring straight at me. His helmet rests in his hands, and he doesn't look too happy. In fact, his gaze is practically seething as it drifts between Lucas and I, before finally settling on me. Suddenly, I feel small. Small and guilty. I shouldn't feel guilty for kissing my boyfriend, and yet I do. Because Lucas isn't the one I want. And I think I'm not the only one who knows that . . .

Jack shakes his head, turning his back on me and walking off toward the field after a moment of simply staring dead into my eyes. I feel the need to run after him, to call his name and beg him to understand why things have to be the way they are. But I resist the urge, forcing myself to stay with Lucas. After all, that's the safer route. At least if I'm with a boy I don't actually like, I can't get hurt in the end.

• • •

That Monday, the whole school is practically living off of the high of our win on Friday. Well, the whole school minus me. I seem to be in a funk, drifting through my classes without paying very much attention to anything. When lunch finally rolls around, I'm nearly exhausted. I'm not sure where all my energy has gone, but it's certainly not with me anymore.

"Aren't you excited?" Lana asks as soon as I fall into my seat across from her, barely giving me time to breathe. I raise my eyebrows as I glance at her, wondering what she's talking about.

"Excited about what?" I question, opening my lunch bag. Lana squeals in response, her blue eyes gleaming as she grins at me.

"For homecoming!" she practically screams, bouncing up and down in her seat. "It's next Friday! There's going to be a big game, and then a dance afterward."

I roll my eyes, trying not to smile at Lana's giddiness. "I know what homecoming is," I assure her. "I just didn't know it was already that time of the year."

"I can hardly wait!" Lana exclaims brightly, flashing a smile to match.

I can't lie, Lana's excitement is slowly starting to rub off on me. I've heard about multiple homecomings throughout my life, but I've never actually attended one. But, it does sound kind of fun. Plus, my dad will be happy seeing his old football teammates when they come to see the football game (after all, it is homecoming).

"I can't wait either," a voice chimes in, joining the conversation. Lucas suddenly appears by my side, taking his usual seat next to me. He's beaming as he turns in my direction, appearing truly happy. Suddenly, my mood darkens. It's starting to become a lot, pretending to like Lucas and trying to be someone I'm not to please him. But I just don't have it in me to break up with him. I can't hurt him like that. How could I live with myself, knowing someone trusted me with their heart only to have me break it?

"Why are you excited?" Lana teases, rolling her eyes. "I mean, you're going to have to sit through a long football game, and then wear a tux. Doesn't sound like your thing."

"I'm excited to see my girlfriend all dressed up," Lucas retorts cheekily, wrapping an arm around my shoulders. "That's the best part about relationships. I always have a date to dances."

"Right." It's harder than it should be for me to force that word out. It's even harder to muster what hopefully looks like a believable grin as I add, "Can't wait."

"Oh!" Lana cries, jumping up and down again. "We should go dress shopping together! Morgan, it's going to be so much fun! We can—"

I slowly start to tune my best friend out. I'm not trying to, I just get distracted. Because Jack has walked into the cafeteria with a practically glowing Lacey by his side, his hand entwined in hers. The image shouldn't hurt me as much as it does. I mean, I know Jack and Lacey are dating. But that doesn't change the fact that I've started to fall for him. And it hurts to see another girl draped over the guy you like.

Maybe I've become a Crawford groupie. But, as Jack's gaze somehow drifts to mine, our gazes locking, it hits me that I don't really care. Because he's somehow managed to make me like him, and I can't seem to change that fact no matter how hard I try.

But does that mean I'm going to stop trying? Definitely not.