I Loved You First (A Rooney Mara Fanfiction) GXG

The First Time We Met

SAM

"God, she's so beautiful," I said in awe, watching Rooney Mara through the camera's huge screen as she acted with her fellow actress Cate Blanchett. She was filming at the moment I visited the set. I was headed to propose a movie script to the film producer but got distracted along the way. I used to watch Rooney's movies growing up and be hypnotized by her voice and her charismatic green eyes and her dimpled smile. She also had that mysterious energy coming out from her that I couldn't figure out.

"I know, right?" Adam, the cameraman beside me and also a longtime friend in the industry, agreed as he snickered. "I didn't know you fancy girls, Sam."

"Shut up," I cut him off as he continued laughing. I browsed through the files inside the envelope I was carrying, practicing in my head the proposal speech I had for Stephen Woolley, the producer present on the set.

But my eyes couldn't stop stealing glances at Rooney. And I swore her eyes looked my way.

When the director shouted Cut!, everyone scurried and some were even excited to make a run towards the lunch buffet they had across the hall.

"Why don't you have lunch here, Sam?" Adam offered as he clicked buttons after buttons on the camera gear he had before him.

"Oh, gee, no, thanks," I hurriedly answered, while holding my stomach. "I get nervous a lot when I deliver a proposal.. better with an empty stomach, eh?"

"Proposal?" I heard a familiar voice say. I turned around and saw Rooney heading our way. "I don't believe we have met."

I couldn't make up an answer. Hell, my mouth was still in awe as I stared at her before me, only inches away.

"Oh, Miss Mara, this is Samantha Williams, a scriptwriter," Adam said, as if he and Rooney have known each other for long.

"You don't have to call me Miss Mara, every single time, Adam," Rooney blurted out.

"It's okay, Miss Mara, it's always an honor working for you-"

"With you," Rooney corrected him. Wow. She's even so kindhearted.

"So why haven't I seen you before, Samantha? I didn't know you wrote something for this film," Rooney began.

"Oh, you can call me Sam, Miss Mara," I objected. "And, no, I was only an assistant of Miss Nagy from the writing team. I'm just here for a separate film proposal."

"Sam here has a crush on you, Miss Mara," Adam suddenly teased.

I let out a loud laugh to hide the embarrassment. I punched Adam's left shoulder as he laughed maniacally. I found it surprising that Rooney joined along too.

"I apologized, Miss Mara, Adam's only joking," I quickly added.

"Oh, so you don't find me attractive, then?" Rooney asked. I was in disbelief. I didn't know what to do. Adam was already out of earshot as he arranged the wires from his gear.

"I didn't mean it that--"

"Oh, calm down, Sam, I was only kidding," Rooney said, smiling from ear to ear as she left.

"Miss Williams?"

The mention of my name brought me back to where I should be. A bespectacled old lady holding a piece of green folder stood before me. "Mr. Woolley will see you now."

ROONEY

I was seven years old when I started developing a crush on my girl neighbor. It was little at first. We became good friends. Even inseparable at times. My mom was a bit skeptical about it and decided to ask one night on a Saturday barbecue dinner. My older brother, Daniel, and older sister, Kate, were also there with my dad. My little brother Conor was still sleeping in his crib at that time.

"You've been spending a lot of awful time with that friend of yours... what's her name, again?" my mom asks.

"Veronica," I answer while I slowly chewed on the smoked ribs my dad prepared in our backyard. Little did I know I would become vegan in the future.

"I like Veronica," I remember myself saying, without waiting for another reply from mother. And I smile on the memory as I recall the next thing I said.

"Can I marry her one day like you and dad?"

This caused an uproar of laughter from my siblings, a forced laugh from my dad and a suspicious glare from my mom.

"Now, now, dear, you don't even know what you're saying," my mom replies.

"What do you mean?" I ask. My sister can't stop laughing at the moment, she almost chokes on her plate.

"But you're a girl!" my brother Daniel blurts. "You can't marry a girl! Right, dad?"

And I remember staring at my dad after that, looking for some kind of answer, even though I have no idea what I was looking for. And I see his thin lips curve into a smile and his right eye wink at me.

"Surely, dear, your sister doesn't know what she's saying," my mom replies.

And that broke me. Because I really thought I didn't.

I grew up and met other boys. I sometimes fancy about girls but I was always with boys. I was with boys because I thought it was the right thing. I was with boys because I felt protection and assurance and satisfaction from others' expectations. I was with boys because it's what my mother wants. I was with boys because the world put it that way.

But am I really supposed to live and love that way? Am I really supposed to do what pleases others? Am I really supposed to ignore what I feel?

I accepted the role for the CAROL movie, not because I wanted to defy my mother's wishes. It was because I want to know, I want to prove to myself that I wasn't just lying. I wanted to know for sure, if I am really the girl I used to be when I was seven years old. I wanted to know if I really changed.

I sit on my soft bed as the busy night of New York before me shine in the darkness.

The thought of Samantha suddenly comes into view. I thought I was straight. I thought my mother was right when I kissed Cate Blanchett in the movie set and felt absolutely nothing. But, boy, was I wrong?

I pull the thick comforter around me as I begin to lie down. This has been a busy week. I look through my phone and set the alarm clock for 5am tomorrow. I have to be early tomorrow. I shift on my bed, struggling to get sleepy even though I'm already tired. I try to close my eyes and let myself be swept into my dreams.

But nothing comes. Then Samantha's face shine before me. I open my eyes and shake my head.

Why? Why can't I stop thinking of her?

I remember how she looked that morning. Her perfect round black eyes underneath those glasses. And those deep dimples on each cheek every time she smiles. She smiles a lot, too. Even when she's nervous. I can tell she's nervous. Adam admitted she has a crush on me. Samantha has a crush on me and I can feel butterflies fluttering in my stomach.

But she's so young... I mean, she's surely younger than me, give or take, 7 or 8 years. I shake my head. Her hair must be so soft.

My hand slowly begins to creep its way to my right breast as I massage my sleeping nipple until it's fully erect. I think about Sam's mouth around them, slowly sucking and making love. My left hand creeps under my underwear, my middle finger making circles around my clit.

I let out a low moan and bite my lips to stop me from moaning deeper.

I think about Sam's red lips and how I want them between my thighs, ravaging me, making love with me. I slip in one finger and I cry out a loud moan.