Hopefully. [Poetry]

14. Miracle

What God did feels truely wrong!
I feel like reversing time,
Doing anything to keep you alive!!
Cause knowing that you are not breathing seems like a heavy fine!

Hell yeah I am angry!
I want to fling things around,
But all I feel is pure pain.
Pain making me scream without making a sound.

I am sooo sorry.
I am tearing up right now.
When I found out you had cancer,
I froze.
Not believing it. Not even for a moment.
Our friends went to meet you.
Some who were not even that close went to meet you.

But I was scared.
I didn't want you to think I only sympathies you.
You are my best buddy.
So I had to prepare myself,
For from what I had heard, the cancer was eating you alive.
And you no more looked like yourself.
Just a live skeleton.

I was scared.
Scared that my reaction, which I have no control of, would hurt you.
So i didn't meet you. I waited.

But then I got stronger.
I planned several times to meet you.
But you had chemo.
Or I had exams.
But now I think I didn't try hard enough, you know.

I know your struggle was utterly painfully.
So I prayed. Sometimes.
Gosh! I hate myself for not being that religious.

And today, when I got the call,
I felt a feeling I never experienced before.
It hurt buddy.
I cried over the phone.
You know I cant cry easily.
But I did. And I still am.

Fernando, it hurts knowing you are not here.
Please come back.
I have been praying honestly.
I continuously am praying for a miracle.

For fuck sake Bud,
I know I acted like a coward.
We lost contact for six months.
I am blaming it all on me.
Cause hon, God gave you a sickness,
A horrid one.
Something a boy like you doesn't deserve.

I am soo angry at God for taking you.
At the same time I am happy, he took your struggle away.

But buddy,
I want you to come back.
I am not a coward anymore.
I just want a mircale.
So that I can meet you.
Hug you.
Ask for forgiveness for being a chicken.
I need my Goodbye Bud!
I really do.

AN: Guy, I am fine now I think. Today was his funeral. Just attended it actually. For the first time in my life, I experienced the colors that I was wearing. Black and white. Wearing those colors purely for the intention of loss made some kinda of impact. Like my life now has a part which now forever gonna be black and white.  I cannot imagine what pain people go thro when their family members die. I only had my closest male bud leave me. It it hurt, i feel i am walking around with a knife snabbed in my chest.
I never cried this much even when my grandparents died.

I wished no one had to experience it, but life laughs at us as I write this. Cause believe me, the one sitting next to you rn could die( god forbid tho), so make sure you do whatever you need to to show them their importance in you life. Dont be a coward.