Her House, My Rules

Chapter 30

A few weeks flew by quickly, my episodes were getting worse. Questions after questions. I decided to buy my own place. Jack was staying with me. Hazel was the only thing on my mind. Her absence created a deep hole inside me. My father's situation started to rise in my head, I wanted justice but at the same time, I just wanted him to stay in peace. That wasn't really the whole truth. On the other hand, I didn't want to hurt Hazel. I was in love with her, my first mistake.

The best thing was to ignore her and pretend that I didn't feel anything for her anymore.

My stomach was screaming for a little taste of food. I haven't eaten for days. I lost my appetite the same night at the hospital. The dirty truth ate every good thing inside me. I was starving but I didn't want food. I was starving Hazel. It felt wrong in my mind but I just couldn't resist myself from missing her, from having strong feelings for her, from wanting to taste her lips one last time, from craving the warmth of her body against mine.

Was I wrong? Yes, I was but I just couldn't control it. I kept missing her every second of every day.

When I was young, I never thought that I was going to fall for someone like Hazel but It happened so fast. I fell in love with the enemy's daughter. Do I want to stop? I do but it hurts. It hurts like hell. It hurts to keep my distance from her. It hurts to breathe different air. She was supposed to be my future wife, to be a good example in my eyes, to be the one. She was the only good thing after my father. She made me feel a feeling that I've never felt before. I wanted her to be mine forever. I wanted her to carry my children one day but it was just in my book of fantasy.

Our love was wrong but I was craving it more and more.

I wanted Hazel to take my pain and make it disappear. I wanted her to curve me like a little pillow and caress my thoughts with good vibes. I wanted her to scream at the top of her lungs 'It's all a dream, my love.' but it was the contrary. She did betray me and I was all on my own. She didn't care about me. She didn't really feel anything for me. She was submitting her homework to her daddy. She didn't want to fail her family, she decided to study me instead.

I wanted her in my life after everything. What was happening to me? I was losing my mind slowly. I was losing control, I was broken, I wanted her to heal me with a little bit of her opaque love.

"Hawk?" Jack disgraced my intentions with his ego. "Stop thinking about this girl and eat something." He forced me as he bought me a plate of hot food. "Are you going to sit in this room for the rest of your life and keep wondering if Hazel is sleeping with another man?"

What if she really is sleeping with another man? I didn't think about that until now.

"I'm not hungry, Jack." I refused and slap a lie to his face. "Can you stop mentioning her name? I don't want to think about her. She's dead to me." I lied and tried my best to push my emotions to the side.

"Are you really denying that you think about this girl every single day?" He chuckled. "I've known you my whole life. I know when you're lying to me, Hawk." He threw a pink envelope on the bed. "Hazel wanted me to give you this. Do you remember a few weeks ago? I was at her house and her father was giving me the papers that you were asking him for? Well, the same day. I didn't want to give it to you because you were out of control. I didn't want you to destroy it." He forced a smile. "I didn't read it. I swear."

"I don't care, Jack. You're my best friend." I opened the envelope, urgently. "I don't even want to read it." I threw it on the other side of the bed.

Lies and Excuses!

"Hawk," He sighed. "I also don't want to hide anything from you. When I was over there, Max was there. She gave two letters. Here." He handed me a second envelope. "I feel like you have to try to be more inconspicuous. If you want Hazel to think that you're over her, you're going to need to work on yourself a little bit better." He advised.