See You on the Other Side | ✓

37 | After the World Collapsed

"I look in the mirror when the sun goes down. I ask myself who are you now?" - The Drums, Mirror

~~~

I didn't like to think about that night. I believe that I'd blocked out the majority of it. I didn't remember the events chronologically, but I could recall flashes of that night. I could tell you about seeing the body bag being zipped up, but I can't tell you anything about what happened at the hospital. You'd have to ask Avery for that information.

I remembered looking down at Avery's face and feeling melancholy. My life motto prior to meeting her had been c'est la vie. That's life. Death was an aspect of life. I was completely okay with that until I met her. She defined a new purpose to live for. She'd been with me through thick and thin, through tearful nights and my self-hatred.

Her goal was never to save me, but she managed to do that.

I needed her.

Honestly, if Avery wasn't in the driveway, I would've been a pool of self-destruction. The death of my grandma was close to the anniversary of my mom's death. That's what made it more poignant than all the other tragedies I'd faced.

I nearly collapsed within myself that night. For a few days, I felt hopeless and absent.

Avery didn't know that.

She was never gonna know that. I didn't want to worry her, but she knew me. I didn't want her to look me in the eye. Only at the funeral did she ever get a glimpse of the sadness that became my being. She whispered, "it'll be okay."

I could never verbally respond to her when she said that. I couldn't say "I know" or "no, it's not." All I could do was look at her and smile with my heart in tatters. I didn't want to say I know because I knew that I would be lying to her and myself. I didn't say no, it's not because I didn't want her to see the honest truth. Whenever I let a glimpse of my emotional plight be revealed to her, I could see what she was thinking.

I appreciated how she was concerned about my wellbeing, but she had her own issues to deal with. It wasn't right for her to give all of her attention to me and none on herself. She had bags under her eyes and seemed apathetic about last-minute dance auditions for a range of potential colleges. She told me that she'd already auditioned for University of Maryland College Park and Baltimore County back in January and early February. Those were the ones that mattered to her.

"Avery, don't do this," I told her painfully.

"What is the 'this' that you're talking about?" She asked. Her words suggested that she was confused but her facial expression begged to differ.

"Don't give up your whole life for me. That's stupid. These places that you haven't auditioned for are colleges that can open doors for you."

She took hold of my hands, assuming a caring position. "But they're also expensive, but what about you? Where are you gonna go?"

"I'm still figuring that out. Towson and Frostburg already gave me their early decisions back in December. It's just the pay that's getting me tripped up. I thought I could ask my grandma for money, but I obviously can't do that."

"Is there anything in the will?"

"I haven't even seen the goddamn thing," I seethed. "It's written, but no one's heard anything."

"Well, it's only been two days since the funeral. I'm sure you're included somewhere."

"I hope so or else I'm gonna be kicked out of this house."

She sighed, letting go of my hands. "Do you have any money set aside?"

"Like 200." I laughed wryly. "That's fucking nothing."

"Listen, I know that everything is shit at the moment, but we have to think reasonably here."

"We?"

"Yes, we," she repeated, deadpanned. "Did you really think I'd let you get through this alone? Before we were dating, we were friends. I think we'll always be that."

"I hope so," I said. My hand ran up and down her arm, earning a small giggle on her part. I didn't know I needed to hear that. "I hoped for a lot of things and it was for nothing. I hoped for an empty house. This was not what I wanted."

"Adrian, stop," she pleaded. "You can't blame yourself for something you have no control over."

"I know, but I can't stop," I confessed tearfully. "I keep thinking about how things should be. This is not how I'm supposed to spend my last months of high school."

"I get that, baby, I really do, but there's no should in this situation. There's only what actually happened. What actually happened is unfortunate and dark, but you can get through this."

"What if I don't get through this?" I asked, looking up at her hope-filled brown eyes. She made it so difficult to evaporate into my personal problems.

"Don't talk about the ifs. You're gonna get through this because I need you. I wish I was being dramatic here, but I'm not." She sighed again and messed with her hands.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, it's just what I'm about to say is a little scary. I love you, Adrian. I know it's love because when I'm with you, I'm not just trying to avoid being lonely. When I'm with you, I'm completely devoted to you and the memories that you create with me. I'm aware that I probably sound crazy, but-"

"I love you too," I spoke gently.

A/N

The book will be ending next chapter. It's really been a crazy journey, but all things must come to an end. I'll save the remainder of this speech for Friday.