The Halo Effect | ✓

14 | anxiety

E P I G R A P H

❝We're a mess, you and I. But the truth is,
you captivate me in ways no soul ever will❞

☾ fourteen | anxiety ☽

As I stared at Holt's retreating figure before pulling myself together and stuffing my hands into the pocket of my hoodie.

It's going to be a good day, I'm manifesting it right now.

I headed over to my friends and boyfriend whom were all crowded in a circle near the wall of blue lockers.

Esme wrapped her thin pale arms around me, pulling me into her side as she greeted me happily. I greeted her back, but everyone else seemed all but happy that I was here, Zayden included. But, I guess he is never really happy when I'm here.

Everyone was conversing about some party, tons of different things being said from different people including Zayden whom seemed awfully excited.

I narrowed my eyes at him as I watched the way his lips moved with every word he spoke, the way his brown eyes lit up with interest and the way his smile lines extended from his nostrils to the corners of his lips.

I watched as he ran his hand through his shaggy brown hair, I watched as he laughed loudly at one of the jokes Easton made, I watched in hopes maybe I'd find something to love, something to delve my heart into, but then I realised beyond that façade of his, is a stone cold heart that only beats when he is granted attention.

He's never been all there, and I always had thought I could help him to be a better person, I thought I could fix him but not everyone is capable of being fixed. Correction, not all people want to be fixed.

I'm always there for him, I'm just not sure how much longer I can be there. I'm not sure how much longer I can be his punching bag. I spend each day not knowing whether I'm going to get a punch of anger or a punch of affection, it's a guessing game really.

I want so desperately to love him because I need someone to be there for me too, I need a companion, but one filled with all things love related. I need the lust, the compassion, the tender kisses and the play-fights, the stupid arguments and the goodnight messages.

What I have is a walking time bomb, ticking with anger and insecurity, sadness and loneliness.

I feel like a terrible person saying these things because I definitely know what it is like to feel vulnerable, I know what it's like to have an unfillable void. But I no longer think I can be that person for him, and I know he can't be that person for me.

I don't think it's fair if I continue a relationship I have no intention of putting my all into, and I'm not the only one who doesn't do that, he does too. He has become a toxic person in my life and as much as I hate to admit it, I think I'm becoming toxic for him too.

It's hard knowing you're not good for someone, but it's life. Whether you mean to be poison or not, sometimes it just happens.

In this case our relationship is nothing but venomous and unhealthy.

I need the comfort; I need the security and if I'm being honest (I'll never admit this to Holt) but I need the replacement of Everest. I need something to replace what used to be there and though Everest and Zayden are barely anything alike, anyone is someone when you need it.

I bit my lip nervously as I stepped forward, "Zayden, can I speak to you for a moment?"

He furrowed his eyebrows, sensing something is wrong as he grabbed my hand with his, leading me down the corridor and onto the field near the bleachers before he sat now on the second bench from the bottom.