The Halo Effect | ✓

33 | satanic

E P I G R A P H

❝I hope that your heart heals someday soon. ❞

☾ thirty three | satanic ☽

JUST FRIENDS MY ass. I can't believe after being so worried about Holt for days on end, he returns to school and decides that we should be friends. I have never felt so intensely friend-zoned, but I respect his choice and if that's what he wants, I will support it. After all, I'd rather be his friend than nothing at all, he means too much to me.

Besides, I have had time to process it and I have come to the conclusion that maybe it is best for us to not be an us, not right now at least. I only broke up with Zayden not long ago, I need to completely heal from that first before I can be ready for someone else, our relationship was toxic and hurtful.

He hurt me, mentally and physically. He tried to tear me down the entire relationship, but I didn't let him. I know who I am without his words, they mean nothing and I am proud of myself for spending so long in a dark tunnel, but coming out the opposite end after all, where the light shines and I can see clearly again.

I dated Everest for two years and then Zayden moved to our school and though it is rather mean, I somewhat used him as a rebound, and here we are now. I am still discovering myself and I am so thankful that Holt is by my side because he has unknowingly helped me figure out so many new aspects about myself.

The point is, I am only seventeen. I have had two somewhat long term and rather unsuccessful relationships, so before I take the next step with Holt—if that ever happens—I need to be more sure of myself, who I am, what I what.

I can't love someone else, if I am yet to love myself, completely and entirely. Then I'll put Holt in a situation where he has to put twice as much effort into me because I can't be sure of myself. That wouldn't be fair. He deserves someone that knows who they are.

I can barely choose my favorite color. Some days it is orange like the sunset and others it is grey like Holt's eyes.

Rather than dwelling over the situation and taking it negatively, I have decided to push through and take it as a sign to focus on myself first, rather than delving into another relationship.

My dad has just come back into my life, permanently, Alix may have almost killed me but she gave me a gateway into dropping the squad and Esme and I are still so close, though we don't see each other consistently and for Maxen, he isn't so mischievous anymore, he still lays around but we haven't had any sketchy guys show up at our door for a while, so that's good.

I just hope that Holt's decision to not follow his feelings isn't due to his mother's disapproval, it should be his own decision.

"Halo, are you ready to go out for dinner?" dad shouted from downstairs.

My eyes widened when I then realized I had been zoned out on my bed for the past two hours, thinking and thinking, I didn't even bother to get ready.

"Yeah, just give me five minutes!" I shouted back.

Tonight is the night that I officially meet my soon to be step-mother and my future step-sister, hopefully, she is nice and we won't have a problem. I'm slightly nervous, though. Mainly due to the fact that when I feel a certain way about someone, I have a hard time withholding my opinion, so if I happen to not like someone at the table, they'll know whether I notice or not.

I do tend to be very expressive with my facials too, so that's just great.

But if my dad likes—well loves her, then I should too, right?