The Halo Effect | ✓

44 | eighteen

E P I G R A P H

❝I just look at you and I love you, and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you.❞

☾ forty four | goodbye ☽

THURSDAY

The wedding was today. It sounds pathetic, but being without Holt was miserable. Not just because I love him, but because he was supposed to be here. He was meant to be here, with me. Holt did nothing wrong, well, admittedly, he did. But only to me. Holt would never intentionally hurt anyone; I just wish I had realized that far sooner.

The lady that did my make-up almost poked me in the eye with several forms of make-up equipment due to me being unable to stay still. I managed to not cry, but my leg was constantly tapping, my nails were terribly short now, not to mention the inside of my cheek began to bleed. I was so anxious, so eager to hear some news.

Patience is the virtue, Halo.

The wedding was nice. Esme and Santana got along well, they were both extremely worried about me, but I know how to put on a front, I held it together. But when my father and Aubrey announced their vows and tied the knot, I bawled. Not just because I was so happy that after my mother, he found love again, but because he got his happy ending. Despite being vacant from my life until recently, he was and is still a great father.

It got me thinking about Holt. What's new though, right?

It gave me hope that even if Holt does not survive this, I will be okay. It will take a long long time, but I will get through this, with or without him. I just hope that it isn't the latter.

I danced the night away with my father until my feet ached. Then everyone stuck around the building where the wedding was held due to there being several luxurious hotels nearby. Everyone made their way home separately excluding Maxen and I. We went home together.

He was quiet, awfully quiet.

When asking why, he simply said: "I'm sorry, Loey." I was confused, so I asked why. He then replied: "You don't deserve this. You held this family together, you hold everything and everyone together. I wish I wasn't such a shit person, so that I could do the same for you."

His words hurt because I felt shattered. All my pieces were scattered and it was frustrating because every time I would retrieve the pieces, they would get too heavy and I would end up dropping them yet again.

Maxen has done some terrible things. He has stolen from everyone, his own family. He owed Holt money, he has lured some nasty people into our family home and done unforgivable acts, but nonetheless, I love him. Life is too short to fight against loving someone.

He's been down lately, I've noticed. Instead of being on the sofa in the living room where he seems to spend most of his days, he has been locked away in his small room, barely eating and rarely leaving. He won't admit it, but I think Aubrey entering our lives as well as Santana has been hard on him.

When everyone got home, the new family life began. Santana officially moved into the guest bedroom, filling it with her designer things and large objects of furniture. Her mirrored nightstands and marbled décor with silver accents made my lilac walls and old creaky bed look childish compared to hers.

I was so relieved to get out of the fitting gown that I had on. Tying my curly hair up into a bun, I removed my make-up. The hair stylist insisted on straightening my hair, claiming that my curls were, and I quote, 'too big' but I knew that Holt adored my natural state, so I told her that her nose is too big and called it a day.