The Knight and the Paladin - A series of Oneshots

06 "I know."

A/N: This is a very personal chapter.
I do not hurt myself, but the thoughts I described are pretty much my own.

Warning: Light description of self harm and self hatred.

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It was a day like any other. She woke up, feeling more tired than before she went to sleep. Her head throbbed like she was heavy drinking the night before. Her mind was clouded in dark thoughts.

Am I good enough? Do they like me or do they hate me? Yeah they probably hate me...I'd hate myself, too. Wait a minute...I already HATE myself, too! What a big pile of bullshit. Why do I have to leave my bed? I can't do this...

she sighed heavily. Tears streamed down her cheeks as she literally crawled out of bed. The enthusiasm she normally had was gone. Her mood changed rapidly over the past few days from bad to worse. Just because of that one person who knocked over her whole life. It made everything more complicated than it already was.

She needed to fix herself, she knew. But doing so cost a lot of energy she didn't have.

Kathryn sighed again as she dragged herself to the shower. Even that was as exhausting as killing a hive of super mutants. At least the hot water gave her a little bit of release. She took her sweet time, shaving her arms, legs and the more private body parts. At least she felt clean again.

Her hair was still wet when she sat in the mess hall, trying to eat a bit. It felt like hours, sitting alone at the same spot, trying to eat something she didn't like anyway. They all avoided her. Every time she had the day off she walked around in tank tops and shorts, revealing her marks of self harm. Some were already healed, others shone bright red because she cut herself just minutes before.
Her mentor walked over to her and sat down right in front of her. His brown eyes read her like no others, seeing the dark circles under her bloodshot blue eyes. He frowned silently drinking his coffee. He knew the signs of her depression.

"You need to eat, Knight.", he said in a hushed voice, trying not to startle her. She looked up at him shaking her head. "I don't want to...", she whispered. He rose a brow but didn't say a word. They both stood up and she brought her untouched plate back to the mess officer. She put it down on the counter and walked away with fast steps. She wanted to get out, needed fresh air.

"Kathryn, wait." Danse was walking after her, trying to grab her by the shoulder. "For the love of steel, what do you want from me?", she asked, spinning around on her heel. Her wet hair flew into her face in strains, sticking to her skin. It gave her a wild appearance as she stood there eyes wide and angry. "Can we talk, please?" It was no order but a plea. Kathryn huffed out a breath and nodded. She led them to the forecastle. It was always quiet there, the perfect place for reflection and thinking. They both sat down, feet hanging over the railings.

Danse cleared his throat, hands lying between his tights, fidgeting. He looked down to the Commonwealth. The sky was clear and the sun sparkled on the water. It was a nice day actually. And Kathryn? She sat there, shoulders hanging down, her eyes gazing into the emptiness of the air. A light breeze catched her hair, sending it flying around her shoulders. "Talk to me..." Danse's voice was soft and almost too low to hear him. He sounded hurt. It hurt her to hear him like this. Tears formed in her eyes.

"I'm a failure.", she simply said.

"Why?

"Because I can't do things right. Everyone hates me, I know it."

"No, you're-"

"Yes I am! Every time something bad happens I get blamed. I blame myself. I. AM. A. FAILURE!"
She screamed the last four words.

"BULLSHIT!" His fist slammed onto the floor, a light dent formed underneath it.

She blinked. Her head slowly turned to him as he breathed heavily, his face red and angry.

"What? It's just the truth..." Her voice broke and she wasn't able to contain it anymore and began to cry. Danse's gaze softened and he collected himself again.
"Kathryn. I am sorry but I disagree. You're NOT a failure and it's definitely not you fault if something goes wrong. Things happen for a reason. Please, don't blame yourself."

He carefully placed a hand on her shoulder. He could feel her shaking and decided to pull her close, embracing her in a gentle hug. She held on him for dear life as she cried herself hoarse.
His jumpsuit was dampened from her tears but he didn't care. He softly stroke down her back and gave her the time to calm down and collect herself.

It wasn't the first time that they had this kind of conversations. Kathryn often needed the friendly reminder. She often told him why she had depressions. That it was because the people in her life before the Brotherhood of Steel bullied her. She never understood why but felt guilty pretty fast. And that it dragged her down into a spinning hole.

Each one of the scars on her skin told their very own story. Why she cut herself. She wanted to feel something else than guilt, so she took the way of pain. Some cuts were too deep to ever heal completely, leaving her sun kissed skin with stretched white marks.

Danse felt how she began to relax in his arms. It was quiet and only her sniffing was audible.
"You're no failure to me, Kathryn. I believe in you and your abilities. And trust me that I mean it, because if I wouldn't trust you, I'd never got you under my sponsoring. I hope you remember that." She looked up, soaking in each and every word from him.

"Can you please put your arms away?", she asked with a raspy voice. "Of course.", he answered.

Then she stood up just to flop back down onto his lap, facing him. She put her legs around his waist and embraced him with weak arms. Her head found it's way to the crook of his neck and she nuzzled herself in it, eyes closed. Danse's embarrassment was a real one and his face was scarlet. He wrapped his arms around her anyway, somehow enjoying her closeness.

"Thank you." her voice was muffled by his own neck. He could feel the vibrations of her speaking onto his skin. It tickled and he chuckled. He tightened the hug a bit and could feel how she did the same. They sat like this for quite a while, both with closed eyes and listening to the soft breeze playing with the waves of the sea down in front of them.

"I mean it.", she suddenly said looking straight into his brown pools of chocolate. He blinked at her, startled by the disturbance of their comfortable silence. "Thank you for caring for me." Her right hand found it's way to his left cheek, caressing it with a soft touch. He tensed a bit but relaxed in just a second. He still wasn't familiar with her touching him in such ways. She often did it when she was vulnerable.

Her thumb trailed up and down his stubbled cheek as her deep blue orbs flicked between his eyes.

And suddenly the tension was there again. They both swallowed. They couldn't stop looking into the eyes of each other. Both closed the gaps between them, their noses grazing against the other and they closed their eyes.

She felt warm and light. Free of her anger and sorrow. She didn't feel guilty anymore... Suddenly she was happy. His lightly chapped lips tasted like forgiveness, freedom, care, love...
The moment felt like an eternity. She was safe in his arms. They leaned their foreheads against each other as they broke the kiss, eyes still closed. Both smiled with pink tinted faces.

Danse was the first to open his eyes. He studied her. She finally looked peaceful again. "This is how I wanna see you.", he whispered. Kathryn looked at him and chuckled. She still held his cheek in her hand.

"I hope you know that I will be your safe haven when you need it. I'll be there for you. Always.", he softly said placing another kiss on her cheek.

"I know."