28 Kathryn

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So, I've heard that some of you might know more about me, and Cade needs this for my record anyway. Here it is.

As you already now, my name is Kathryn, I'm 29 years old now (remember I almost ruined my own birthday party) and live in the Commonwealth, to be precise, at the Prydwen. Before I found my way into the Brotherhood of Steel I was alone. I can't remember my childhood, but with all the nightmares I often have, I can tell that it was terrifying and frightening. I don't remember having parents or siblings, and I know that you know this from someone else already. I mean, we have the same past when it comes to this... I always lived here in the 'wealth, wandering from settlement to settlement, but no one never really cared for me. It was the other way around. I always was an outsider, and so I got treated as one. People spat at me, hit me in the face or even broke my bones as they were beating the living shit out of me. I became depressed, started to hurt myself, even tried to kill myself several times.

One day, I was wandering around a place called Sanctuary Hills, I heard the screeching of old and rusted metal nearby. Of course I was curious and had to investigate the sound, and I found myself in front of a vault. A man emerged and soon I found out that he just woke up from cryostasis. You all know the tale of Nate, the Sole Survivor of Vault 111 and I don't have to tell you much about it. But I want to tell you that we became friends. Although he was a soldier in his old life, seeing it destroyed made him collapse and cry into my arms. It was ironic, he did live in Sanctuary before the Great War and as we walked down into the little village we were greeted by a Mister Handy, which turned out to be Nate's robot butler. He showed me the house he was living in, stripped down to the core, only dead leafs and rust covering the floor. When we walked to the nursery it was a surprise that it still was standing. A little blue bed, a rocket mobile circling above it and a few toys were littering the floor.

„I'm so sorry.", I whispered when Nate stood there and cried. He couldn't stay here any longer, so he joined me and left his old life behind. Codsworth said he'll always wait for him to come back. Poor little robot, almost went insane, trying to keep the house clean after 210 years and no one he could talk to. Nate told me about the kidnapping of his son and that his wife, Nora, got killed at it. I could tell that his soul was weeping but he needed to be strong to find his son. I decided to guide him to Diamond City, I knew about someone who might help him. And there we met Piper. For me it was rather funny to see her freaking out at the gates of The Great Green Jewel Of The Commonwealth before Danny Sullivan let her in again. Everything changed for Nate, he even asked me to help him; I wished I could've helped him, but I was on my own path I needed to follow. So I bid him farewell and moved along. We met each other from time to time then, talking about this and that. I was proud of my friend, he achieved so much in such a short period of time. He even went back to Concord and freed the Minutemen, helped build them up again and led them to his old home. Codsworth was more than pleased to finally have company again and helped with everything he was able to do.

I went for a visit one day, wanted to look how they were faring at Sanctuary when I found an abandoned Red Rocket Truck Stop just down the road. A dog just stood there, whimpering at me and slowly coming closer. I cooed at the dog, also slowly closing in and crouching down to let it smell my hand. It's curious eyes bore into mine and soon I had wet doggie kisses all over my face while I laid on my back laughing. I found myself clearing out the truck stop and the canine helped me with it as we were attacked by ugly molerats. I've never seen a fierceness like the dog's as it charged at it's enemies and killing them with the snap of it's jaw. After that I cleared away all the junk, looking what I still could use and what not. And after I was finally able to build at least a bed we settled down. I pulled out some jerky and gave it to the fearless dog which chewed it down in seconds while I was eating a can of Cram and drinking a bottle of Nuka Cola.

The next day the dog and I were walking up the hill to Sanctuary where we were greeted by a dark skinned man, clothed in a colonial duster, a militia hat on his head and holding a laser musket in his hands. Preston Garvey greeted us with a smile and my canine companion barked as he walked towards him asking for head scritches. The Colonel of the Minutemen obeyed and the dog let out a happy yip while Preston laughed. "Well, hello there Dogmeat. How are you doing boy?", Preston asked the dog. "What? Dogmeat?!", I said laughing at that ridiculous name. "Who the hell is calling a dog Dogmeat?" At the mentioning of his name Dogmeat jumped up at me and licked my face, again... I like that dog. Preston led us into the settlement where he and four other people had settled in. That Mama Murphy woman... Holy shit! She was higher than the Mass Fusion building down in Boston, telling me weird things about both my past and my future. I could've hit her square in the face after mentioning the hell that was my life before all that. I mean, it IS obvious I had a rough life before. My whole body was covered in scars.

But at the mentioning of my future, that I was destined to be part of something bigger, I listened. She told me that I would find what I was searching for. (Funfact: Until this moment I didn't even know that I was searching for something. So that was new.) She told me about companionship, a family, above the clouds, which in her state really sounded like bullshit. But her eyes spoke a different language. No matter how high she was, she believed the things she said. After her chem induced 'sight' she slumped back into her chair, telling me to leave her alone and that had no further answers for me. Yeah, what?!

The weeks went by, I was still trying to survive out here, but now with my furry companion. Dogmeat decided to stick with me, he sensed my loneliness and with him by my side the urge to hurt myself was not more than a dull feeling hidden in the back of my head. With him I felt better, not alone anymore... And every time I told him things about my past or what we were going to do over the day he was listening, and when I finished my ramblings he huffed or whined like he understood each and everything I told him. He even had his own opinions on some of my topics and crawled over to me when I told him about one of my darkest days.

***

When it rains it pours. But for Kathryn, it was like the flood gate of a dam had broken. She again did something wrong. At least that was what they had told her. No matter how hard she tried, it was always wrong. They yelled at her, threatened to beat her if she couldn't do a single thing right. She cried. A pang rang out as she again didn't do it to the satisfaction of the people she was staying with. Her cheek burned and she didn't dare to touch it. It was a man that had hit her. He was always cruel to her. The woman he was with, Kathryn didn't know if they were husband and wife or siblings or what ever... She just knew that the woman didn't care much about what might happen to Kathryn. She was just seventeen at that moment. Sweet, innocent seventeen... He was so angry with her that he took a board into his hands and smashed it against her legs. The cry that echoed through the night was bone shattering, just like her own bones. He broke her legs and she hit the ground all while rolling into a fetal position. He wasn't done with her yet; he wanted to make sure she knew that she wasn't welcome and in his eyes just a piece of worthless flesh. His eyes... They robbed Kathryn the rest of her screaming senses. She knew what would come but wasn't able to defend herself. No matter how loud she screamed, no one came to rescue her while he thrusted into her over and over again, leaving her dripping with his seeds, no clothes on her body and the feeling that she might never walk again. She fell into unconsciousness and when she woke up again she was alone, abandoned and broken...

'Into each life some rain must fall, but too much is falling in mine' Kathryn thought as she laid in the dirt, trying to crawl away on weak arms, face smeared with dust and her own tears. A shadow above her let her flinch and she carefully looked up. She looked into pitiful eyes, tears glistening in them as the woman spoke.
She placed a coat around Kathryn's naked body all while she called someone over to help her. Strong arms were wrapped around her frame and lifted her from the ground. She was so terrified that she began to thrash, but a gentle voice hushed her down. Again she looked up and found herself glaring into a gentle face; grey eyes, warm and caring and she felt a bit more safe. The people brought her to the place they lived at and promised to treat her as soon as they were there. And they kept that promise. It took Kathryn two months to walk again, her broken bones healing at a slow pace. Stimpaks were rare but she recovered. Every morning since that fateful night she felt sick, she often was crying and soon Mary, the woman that had saved her told her about pregnancy. She saw how it changed the body of a woman, she was a mother too. Kathryn ran a few yards away and vomited. Tears streamed down her face while she violently shook her head. 'No, no, no, no...' It was all she could think. That fucker got her pregnant! Kathryn collapsed onto the ground crying and screaming. Mary embraced her and whispered how sorry she was...

***

I lost the child after I ran into a deathclaw. I was seven months pregnant and didn't wear any protection, no sort of armor, only a shirt and jeans. I screamed at the monster in front of me, both in anger and fear. I begged for it to kill me and it lashed out. My abdomen felt like it exploded, there was so much blood when I looked down. I held the fetus in my hands and ripped off the umbilical cord and threw the goddamn thing towards the deathclaw before I collapsed. I was eighteen back then. I don't know how it happened but the deathclaw lost it's interest in me and just walked away. Before I lost my consciousness I heard gunfire, someone took that monster out. I woke up again with pressure on my abdomen. At least that was what my hazy mind thought. I was covered in bandages. And I was back at the settlement where Mary and her children lived; Taffington Boathouse. Margaret and Russell, Mary's children did their best to get me back on my feet, gave me some much needed moral support and after a few weeks I felt like myself again.

I can't remember much what had happened after that. I am missing ten years of my memory. I just know that Mary, Margaret and Russell got killed by Bloodbugs and I hurried away with nothing more than the clothes on my body. Since that day I hate bugs. Every time I hear them I can feel the chills running down my spine.

Dogmeat whined loudly at this, planting his body down next to me and he let out a huff. He understood me more than every person in this godforsaken Wasteland could ever do. Even today I can feel the lash of the deathclaw, especially at night when I wake up from a nightmare. I may forget them often, but when my abdomen hurts I know I was dreaming about that incident again.

Twenty seven. That was my age when I met Nate. I should have told that before. At least now you know how long I know him already. We grew to become like siblings over the past time. Although we didn't meet that often, it was always a warm welcome with him; a tight embrace, a kiss on the cheek and the warmest smiles my eyes ever saw. He felt like home and even Dogmeat loved him to bits. And by God that feeling was very mutual. They played a lot together, Nate laughing like a young boy and Dogmeat barking in joy while his tail wagged in excitement.

Nate came around a lot in that one year and today he even brought me a gift. It was a Pip Boy from Vault 88. I never heard of this one, but I didn't really care. I was so excited and happy, no one ever gifted me something like that, or anything in particular, and I was very grateful for it. The hug I pulled him in made his spine crack and he whined a little. I grew strong over the time; Nate was too, but he was out here for just one year while I was my whole life. Soon we parted again and he went on his way, while went on mine. The Red Rocket Truck Stop became homely over the time, more furniture stood inside; the garage became a place of work with a weapons and armor work bench and I even had a power armor station there. A fridge stood in one corner and a cooking stove stood near my bed. I also had a fully functioning bathroom, which was worth everything in the Commonwealth.

While I roamed around into the south east, listening to The Wanderer (how ironic) I heard the roaring of something big, like reeeaaallyyy biiig. I looked up and there in the sky was the biggest thing I ever saw in my life. Lights shone from above, blinding my eyes as a male voice boomed out into the night, speaking that the people of the Commonwealth didn't have to fear a thing from them. The Brotherhood of Steel! Vertibirds over Vertibirds emerged from the belly of the flying vessel, escorting it through the night. Of course I was curious and so I started to run, trying to follow that giant flying thing to see that it aimed for the Boston Airport. Where else would someone park a flying airship?!

It was the rise of the sun when I finally came to a halt, Dogmeat at my heels, standing near the airport and gazing up while I tried to calm my breathing. The view was breathtaking. PRYDWEN was written on the airship in bold letters. Next to the name was the Brotherhood's insignia. I knew by the look of it that I already liked them. After I collected myself enough I began to walk towards the airport. The smell of ozone still lingered in the air, and as I drew nearer I could see how people in different uniforms and even power armor were dragging away bodies. I remembered that the airport was a hotspot for feral ghouls and those soldiers just cleared it out in one night. Impressive. I sure am skilled to take on a horde by myself, but the ferals here were too much for my liking. The Brotherhood did the Commonwealth a great service. So I walked over to the entrance and got stopped by one of the guards. He told me that if I wanted to join their cause I had to go to the Cambridge Police Station, a man called Paladin Danse was stationed there and he was the one dealing with new recruits. Needless to say that after I turned around I rolled my eyes. Thanks for nothing I guess, since I just came from that direction. I went back anyway, Dogmeat eager to take a long walk with me.

Seriously..? More ferals? I was glad hat I already had Protector back then. It wasn't as modified as now, but it did me a great service anyway. A lot of the ghouls ended as green puddles of plasma, while the shots rang out into the sunny day. I heard someone or something stomping into my direction. Shit! I thought of a deathclaw back then and took cover just to discover that a power armored man searched the area. I left my cover, Protector trained at him just as he aimed his laser rifle at me. "State your business, civilian!", his deep voice barked. "Oh I'm just searching for someone. I got told that I would find him at the police station." The man's eyes narrowed but he tightened the grip around his weapon. "And who told you so?", he then asked. I swallowed and answered "One of those Brotherhood folks down at the airport. He told me to speak with a 'Paladin Danse' if wanted to know more. You don't seem to have seen him there, do you?" At this the man lowered his weapon and so did I. "Of course I do. I am Paladin Danse." Hah, that made my search one hundred percent easier. "Well then, hello there Paladin Danse. It's nice to meet you." I walked towards him, a smile plastered on my face. "Sorry, but it seems like I didn't understand your name?" Oh... "I'm sorry, my name is Kathryn Kay." He chuckled. "Hello Miss Kay. Nice to meet you too."

He walked me back to the police station where his comrades hurried around and he even opened the blue double doors for me. What a gentleman. Inside I was greeted with a few more of the soldiers. One was lying on a bed, an arm clutched to his side while a woman was fuzzing over him. It looked like they were close and both laughed at each other. Paladin Danse introduced them as Scribe Haylen and Knight Rhys, both from his reconnaissance team with the code name Gladius. They both saluted in unison. The scribe was cheerful with a friendly smile on her face while the knight looked like I was a feral ghoul. What a charmer...

Paladin Danse disappeared for a few minutes and came back without his power armor. Oh lala!

Wait, should I really tell this while the Brotherhood's medic is scribbling down what I'm saying? Well, I think that's too late now, isn't it?

He gestured for me to sit down while he took his own seat and began to ask a few questions. I tried to answer them as best as I was possible. It was about my past; where I was coming from, if I had a family, if I knew how to maintain a weapon or how experienced I was in combat... After an hour of questions he was finally satisfied enough to let a smile slip on his lips. But there was one thing he didn't dare to ask. Where all the scars at my body came from. I bet he guessed that it was just like a wastelander had to look like. A rough looking human, shaped by the roughness of the Wastes. He also had a fair share of scars as it seemed. At least he had one that ran through his right brow down to his cheek, and one on his left cheek that disappeared in the stubble growing on his face. I found that he looked handsome. It might have been broken in the past but he had a nice nose, beautiful brown eyes and full lips. I caught myself staring at him, blushed and swallowed. "Miss Kay, is everything alright?", he then asked with a furrowed brow. "Uh, yes, yes it is. Thank you for asking." I felt like a school girl back then. I still was scared of men. It was eleven years now... Eleven years and I didn't dare to let a man get closer to me than Paladin Danse was at the moment, with a desk between us. But I knew from the moment I saw him that he was something else. Companionship Mama Murphy had said. And soon I was to find out how much he valued it.

He asked me if I wanted to join the Brotherhood after he gave a long history lesson of the organization. I listened to each and every word he told me, caught up in the sound of his voice. He was so passionate when it came to the Brotherhood and I admired it. And today I share the same values and try to live up to them as best as possible. I love the Brotherhood for it's companionship, the feeling of having a big family where everyone would die for the other, a great and powerful leader, despite his age. I admire Arthur Maxson. He can be inspirational and all his brothers and sisters are hanging on his lips every time he gives a speech.
Anyway, back to me I guess...

When we became a bit more familiar with each other it was easier to speak to Danse as more than my commanding officer. He has a good heart and even shows some traces of good willed humor. He just doesn't let it slip out around his subordinates. Why he does it with me? Well, I don't know. But we get along pretty well. After I settled in at the police station he was training me. He put up some targets for shooting practice. Needless to say that he was very impressed with my sniping skills. Once when we had a patrol shift at night together he asked me how far a target had to be so that I wouldn't hit it. He found out that it was a very long distance as he traced the headshot I had placed at a lonely wandering ghoul. He then turned around and leaned against the roof's railing and pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered me one. I took it with a nod and he lighted it for me. "Danse, I have to ask you something.", I said into the silence of the night, only the burning of the cigarettes was audible. "What is it, initiate?", he then asked. "Why didn't you ask me about my scars?" He swallowed and took a long drag before he answered. "Because I don't think that it's my business to know. I value the privacy of my subordinates." Good answer. "And I think you would tell me when the time is right, wouldn't you?" Heh, he was curious. "One day...", I trailed off finishing my cigarette before I put it out under my boot.

I was an initiate back then, but we already formed a strong bond. I can remember one day when Danse thought it would be funny to challenge me at a hand to hand battle. I was prepared to beat the living shit out of him, but I wasn't prepared for him to stand in front of me with noting more than sweat pants and a tank top. I was sweating before I even moved one centimeter. Holy Fuck, he's hot! I really thought he was hiding a bald head under that tactical hood of his, BUT NOT THAT FANCY HAIR AAARRRGGGHHH!!! Alright Kathryn, calm down... You're going to hyperventilate if you don't stop staring at him. At least I was a looker too, IF you could look past my scars. I also wore a tank top and some shorts. I mentally prepared myself to get 'touchy' with my superior and got into position. All the others around us stopped their own workouts and gathered around us.

Of course they made bets on who would win. They all thought it had to be Danse, because he's all muscle and they knew how he fought. Only Haylen was betting on me and gave me a wink as she placed her bet. Danse and I looked at each other, trying to figure out who might attack first. The tension in the air was palpable. Danse waited for me to make the first move but I didn't obey. So we just circled each other for some long moments until his patience ran on thin ice. He attacked me and I easily dodged it while taking a step aside and smiling at him. Child's play, hah! I pretended to strike a blow at him which he also dodged, but a bit slower than myself. He then went for a counter attack, I ducked and he rolled over me, landing on his back on the tarmac. Before he was able to get up I took my chance and straddled him. "Seems like we have a winner, huh?", I smirked at him. "Oh no, you don't.", he said as he rolled me around trying to pin me down. I kicked out with both legs and hit him in the stomach. He fell backwards while I used the momentum and a second later I was standing again. The soldiers around us began to cheer and it nourished the flame of winning inside me. Danse already panted while I was standing there, a smile plastered on my face and not batting an eye. He was pissed, I saw it in his eyes. No one ever dared to beat him in hand to hand combat, until now.

"Round two!", someone shouted. I laughed. "Well, okay then.", I said while making the 'Come at me bro!' pose. I don't know what irradiated brain fart lead me to it, but I wanted to tease him. Of course I delivered a fair battle but after I straddled him for the second time I pinned his hands down above his head, staring at him lascivious and leaning down to whisper into his ear "Seems like I won, Paladin." and bit his earlobe before I brushed my lips against his cheek while getting up again. His face went scarlet and he coughed while I gave him a hand and laughed. I heard Haylen cheer loudly in the background, a huge bag of caps in her hands as she walked inside the station to put it away. Danse wiped away the sweat from his forehead, the hair sticking to it. My own cheeks flushed at the look of him. Again I was staring. "What?", he barked. Oh shit, someone's ego was severely bruised, huh? "Uh, nothing.", I said and hurried inside, I needed a shower.

I already fetched a fresh towel and clothes before I headed to the bathroom. I put on the water and waited for it to heat up when I heard the door open. Just as I turned around I got pinned at the wall behind me, arms above me head and a body pressed into mine. "Do you think this is funny?", he hissed. After I got my shit together and saw that Danse was pinning me the panic that bubbled up inside me subsided quickly. Somehow I was dreaming about such a situation and I laughed. "Actually, yes I do." I looked at him doe eyed and as innocent as possible while I was biting my lip. The look in his eyes changed. He swallowed when his anger changed into something more dangerous, lust. He was staring at me now, and I felt how all the light mood just flew out of the window. Okay shit. What should I do..? My eyes found their way down to his lips, those perfect lips. I wondered how they would taste and licked my own. And before I could stutter out an apology it happened. Danse crashed his lips onto mine literally knocking the wind out of me as he left me gasping for air. Fucking shit, what was that? I really considered to set the water's temperature to cold, because that was hot as hell! It was time that I took that shower. This day changed my life and how I looked at my commanding officer...

I remember when we cleared out Boston Common. That behemoth of a super mutant called Swan did a number to me. I still can't remember all of that encounter. But thanks to Danse, I know at least a bit. He saved my life.

***

It was a warm day. Several weeks had passed since Kathryn, now Knight Kay, and Paladin Danse came back from the Prydwen. Rhys ushered her to do one of his never ending cleansing missions for him. She rolled her eyes at him and muttered that he should move his own lazy ass to do so. Danse wanted to reprimand her but before he was able she was already on the go. He liked her enthusiasm despite the fact that it threw them both into precarious situations way too often for his taste. But she always got the job done which impressed him all the more. Today she even dared to wear her power armor. Especially after she saw the big red X on the map which marked their targeted location. She wondered why the X was there, Boston Common seemed to be rather quiet, until she and Danse came across the handwritten warnings considering the pond in front of them.

With their rifles at the ready they began to scan their surroundings popping off some raiders that came too close as Kathryn walked towards the tiny shack in the middle of the pond. That was her first mistake. Barrels of radioactive waste littered the ground and her Geiger counter ticked away. The Second thing she heard was the splashing of water and a roaring behemoth,
a complete swan boat mounted on it's back. She almost dropped her rifle while she slowly tried to back away. It was too late and she too slow. Swan swatted at her with the fire hydrant in its hand and smashed her against the pavilion that stood a few feet away. The wind got knocked out of her lungs and she saw stars all while the behemoth charged at her. She tried to fire her rifle but found she dropped it sometime at the impact. She heard another roar, more humane this time, and then the blasting of a laser rifle. Danse was at the other side of the pond and shot fusion cell after fusion cell into the behemoths flesh. It worked and a few seconds later it charged at him. He used ten cells, which meant three hundred shots! to kill that abomination.

Kathryn groaned and she tried to stand up, her power armor dented in unpleasant angles and it was hard for her to move properly. Danse gently lifted her helmet and saw that her eyes were dilated, she had a concussion. He told her that he was sorry and that it was going to hurt before he injected a stimpak into the base of her skull. She hissed but took it like a soldier non the less. At least she didn't see two Danses anymore which made him laugh despite her shitty state. He threw a vertibird grenade and soon they were back at the Prydwen to get her properly treated by Knight-Captain Cade. It was then that she kissed him on the cheek for the first time, still dazed from the med-x Cade had given her and she chuckled like a little girl while he was blushing and he found himself liking it. The relationship between the two was changed for ever.

***

Since then we've had many adventures together, fighting the good fight for a better Commonwealth. It was bigger than I could ever imagine, and that was when I finally understood what Mama Murphy meant; she was right all along and I finally began to see things in a different light.

I can remember all that happened since, my feelings, my dreams, the urge to hurt myself, all. The one constant in my life which wears power armor with pride, who ejected the stick out of his ass all by himself, the one who stayed by my side no matter what, who chased after me after I fled. If it wasn't for him maybe I would have ended my life already. Danse gave my life purpose, showed me how to be happy, and be grateful for every new day that the Commonwealth lays down at our feet. He is also the reason I started to trust men again. Hell, he's the only one I trust my life with! He showed me that I matter, and that my life is worth living it. I will always be grateful for it. And I will always love him for all of it, who he is; all his quirks and sharp edges, even the reprimands he gave me. Because he shaped me into the person I am now. And I would always run to his rescue even if I would die myself... just to see him looking at me, hearing his laugh, feeling him.

Danse is the meaning of my life, he gave it purpose from the first day I met him and I won't let him down. Never.  

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