Radiant Sorrows

Without Her

2018 

The beginning of a new year. 

The beginning of a new year... without you. 

When we're young we don't think about losing our parents. 

Until you're 17, two months from graduation, and you get the call. 

I remember the sad faces from the nurses and chaplain, the bright lights that seemed so dim at the time, the sounds of cries, but what I remember the most is how cold your hand was as I held it in mine, trying so desperately to warm it up. 

I thought I could save you. 

When asked what I miss the most the answer is endless. 

I miss being no older than five and crying because I didn't want to leave my grandmas. 

I miss being ten and going on my Washington field trip, with her by my side. 

I miss being fifteen and laying at the foot of her bed, while she rolled us up a joint. 

I miss not only her, but I miss the whole era of her existence. 

I miss the way my papa was always happy before she left us. 

I don't just miss a thing, or a person, or even a moment. 

I miss years. 

I miss 2016, 2010, 2007, 2002. 

Hell, I miss '99, even though I can't remember it. 

There is a black hole sitting in the center of my heart where a piece of it was ripped out when she left. 

Not everyone is really down for you in this life. 

Like taught me early, probably much earlier than it should have, that those who are, ain't promised forever, or even our 18th birthday...