Self-help journal

Chapter 1

Why am I writing this? This sob story/dramatic monologue/ documentary starring me as I try to figure out what's going on inside my head. It's pretty messy up there.

But, hey, I'm trying to make sense of it all, so I thought I'd write it up and, hopefully, make sense of it all.

So what am I doing? Good question. As I sit here writing this now, even I don't know what I am doing. Trying to understand what causes sudden realisations and sudden sickness feelings and sudden urges to curl up and sleep no matter where you are. Truth is I still don't really know why I felt like this, and I don't think anyone else knows why they feel like that.

No one can pin point exactly how their feeling. Of course, it's easy to say: happy, sad, angry, neutral. But they go much deeper than that. Sometimes they mix like paint and get a crazy, non-sensical colour in between. I can be both angry and sad and wanting to punch everything and also curl up and cry. Sometimes I laugh to hide the pain and that's when the paint doesn't mix, but you have to cover up the sadness to stop yourself from making others feel bad.

Masking is a big thing- camouflaging my natural habits to make others feel more comfortable- in time making me feel lower and lower.

But depression and anxiety feel like a rush- can't enjoy the moment because of the speed of reaching the next thing. It's like rushing around a train station- or an airport (or anywhere which provides a way out)- but not told which way to go or how to get there. The way out is here, everyone else can find it easily, but we are alone. Possibility of leaving and finding safety is unlikely. Depression feels like watching everyone else breath while drowning underwater. Depression feels like spending days in solitude. Sometimes it looks like that too. Some people don't leave their room for days- for fears of people, interactions and just plain life.

We all put on a brave face. Give yourself credit for that. Sometimes people won't know the feelings that emerge from the pit of your stomach, because the smile on your face fools them. Fools gold.

But keep smiling. No, I'm not suggesting to hide your true emotions and keep them bottled up. But I'm saying to stand tall- and as everyone said to me: 'chin up'. I'm not sure how helpful that is to be told- the same as telling someone with asthma to 'just breathe'. But the thought was there- don't look down- but look up. Look up at the beautiful sights and smells and the sky and dogs and cats and other beautiful animals and people that give you that warm feeling inside and at paintings and books. It's all so beautiful, but our minds are clouded and refuse to see beauty in things. It also means to stand tall- exert dominance over those black, shaded, scary parts of the mind.

But don't bottle them up- as I will mention in another chapter- because that is doing more harm than good. Short term benefits vs long term pain. We don't need that. Don't make one person happy for 30 seconds and contribute to 5 years worth of agony.

If you are reading this with knowledge that you, too, are feeling low, then please, please, please, please, please ask for some help. I couldn't see myself stopping my family and telling them in 100 years, but there are people around who can help you. Specialist people or people you know. Force them to speak to you for even 5 minutes. Feel no guilt. Don't believe you are wasting your time. 5 minutes for them may impact your whole day. And if you do that every day- your month may slightly improve. Just don't worry about 'wasting people's time' because if it's important to you then, to someone you love, it's important to them. And that's something I was I was told. I wasn't wasting people's time, and I should've spoke up more. Especially in the pit of my pain, a couple months ago, I wish I spoke up and addressed how I was feeling.

But overall, I hope you are all feeling OK. Not great, I don't blame you. No one is 100% fine. Not in this society. If you're not scrolling through Instagram then you're comparing yourself to a Youtubers life or wishing to live in some picturesque village in France or a single house with nothing for miles. I hope you reflect after reading this and just feel slightly better.

"We can get better because we're not dead yet."
        - Frank Turner

"Don't cry, hold your head up high."
         - Bear's Den