Self-help journal

You

You
You are your worst critic.

In a few days I find out results which were the root of my depression.

Exam depression. Exam stress. 'Don't worry everyone feels like this.' 'Don't overreact.' They certainly didn't feel like a ton of bricks were constantly crushing them. I literally did. I developed neck and back pain from slouching while revising. They didn't feel like a thousand eyes staring at them, ready to pound you unconscious when you don't get the right results. They didn't feel like every second not spend revising was a waste and now I'm a failure and now I shouldn't even sleep because otherwise I'm a failure. They didn't feel like a failure. They didn't feel like they were alone. They didn't feel like the sympathy expressed to them was pity and no one wants to hear their problems because they're not important enough. They didn't feel like they were wasting people's time. They didn't feel like hiding under your bed until the monsters disappeared (spoiler- they never do). They didn't see these exams as a one way street (and a dead end if you fail). They didn't feel like this was the end. I did. I spent every free break and lunch revising, not eating or sleeping or enjoying any self care.

"Watch TV! Read a book! Paint one of your beautiful paintings." My counsellor repeats to me. But I can't. Exams were more important. Every time I wasn't in lesson I was hiding. Crying. Revising. The pain I felt for all those months can't just disappear. I'm not ready for these emotions to bubble to the surface again. Not bubble- explode. No warning.

My results will tell me if all my worrying- excessive, excruciating worry- was worth it.
A daily conversation with myself:

What if your worrying stopped you from performing your best?

What if every time spent asking for help was time you could have been revising?

What if you hadn't asked for help- then you could have actually sat and revised.

But I did revise!

No, you wasted time by asking people to help you. But you don't need help. There are people with more serious things to be upset about.

But I was upset,

No, you were selfish. You didn't speak to your friends for months.

I know. And I feel awful. But I need some time to myself.

You did. Five hours a night sat up in your room by yourself. And sat at school by yourself to study every free time you got.

I hope it's paid off

It won't

And that's how my minds conversations go. I have four days of intolerable anticipation and fear.

Fear of the unknown is the worst. Fear of change.