My Boyfriend , Atlas .

1.

break verb (END)

"To destroy or end something, or to come to an end" - Cambridge dictionary.

You always think you're in control. That you're self sufficient. But then what if one day you just snap and lose control. Arriving at the point in your life in which you realize that you are not holding all the cards . It can rob you of your passion, of your purpose, of your sense of autonomy over your very existence. When we watch undeserving people struggle with debilitating fates, it breaks the parts of our hearts that believe in fairness. In order. In our ability to manipulate the world around us in a way that is meaningful and lasting.

" Chila leta Umu'sebanya .... it brings shame..." , my mother's favourite words echo in my head , " When the first born is such a disappointment to the family ... what do we tell people?? "

" That not everyone has to get married to be happy !" , I once snapped back at her . Wrong move . Tears flooded her eyes and I knew she was going to use the guilt trick on me .

" I just want to hold my grand children in my arms ..before I die Nana .... I'm not growing any younger ..."

Without answer I walked away holding back tears of my own . If only she understood how badly this 35 year old daughter of hers wanted to give her grandchildren too. I just didn't know how.

My life was falling apart right before my very eyes and I had a front row seat . In my mid thirties, No Baby, Jobless , broke ,bruised and broken.

As a clinical psychologist, I probably think about suicide more often and in different ways than most.I've read the research. I've been trained to ask the hard questions. I am all too familiar with the frustrating gaps in our knowledge base: what causes it, who is at risk, how do we prevent it? I understand the stigma and misconceptions surrounding it, and I know, firsthand, the collateral damage that stems from it. Ironically, going against everything I advise my clients to not do , I was going to do it . End it all .

A suicide attempt is an indication something is gravely wrong in a person's life. Suicide is a desperate attempt to escape unbearable suffering.

Every cut on my thighs was a step. Every cut for every time a date that stood me up.
A cut for every time I wasn't enough .
A cut for every slap I ever received from an ex .
A cut for every baby I never /almost had

A cut for my mother.
A cut for Africa , for denying the existence of mental illness and deeming it a mythical creature.
A cut for all my married friends.
A cut for being such an incompetent imbecile !

That one hurt more than the others. I felt it , as slept into unconsciousness .

People die by suicide for a number of reasons , for me the underlying cause is only one.