My Boyfriend , Atlas .

7.

It’s a wonderful sensation, going out in the dark, and having the city gradually reveal itself. I’ve enjoyed it most in places which are crowded during the day; Kitwe for example.
The best part of exploring a city at night is the slight sense of being in an alternate world. The night smells different. You can sometimes hear the Rapids of  the Zambezi running through the waters .

Atlas is walking besides me  , and he's not saying a word and neither am I . We both just inhale the beauty of the night . His scent is sweet, fruity, reminding  me of the aroma of a freshly sliced  pineapple and yes freshly cut grass  . It's a lot different from alot of men in Zambezi. Theres' is a stench of alcohol and broken dreams. 

" I don't say this about alot of girls but I think I might love you..."

Now it's my turn to laugh .

" you just met me ..... like literally today ..." , I laugh.

He laughs too.  We both laugh this is ridiculous. 

" haven't you heard of love at first sight? ..." , he smirks at me .

" nope ...." , I say sarcastically with a grin. 

"Okay then will you ... Nthochi Nana Banana... be my girlfriend??" , he says laughing.

" yes!  more than anything yes ! ...", I scream dramatically as we both fall into deep laughter.

We walk by a woman selling Vitimbuwa  and  Atlas stops to talk to her .

"zingati Vitumbuwa awiri?" , he asks her.

" 5 kwacha " , she says .

He takes out his wallet and buys two hot crispy vitumbuwas and offers one to me .

" I don't eat street food " , I say nonchalantly.

" C'mon!.... do you know that frittas promote long life  ??" , he says trying to pull off a serious face .

" what really... Okay I'll try it " , I say taking one and having a bite .

He laughs . I laugh back . I don't want this night to end , says the thirtysomething year old  .

***

Mental illness is like a wound,  a wound only you can see . An internal bleeding scar. Those type of scars are the worst because there the easiest to hide.  But we all know nothing is hidden under the sun and it soon becomes something much larger . Today is  one of those days. It's hard to understand my feelings when yesterday night I was over the moon. When everything is overwhelming and everything is an implication for murder .
People say why are you sad ? It's not the end of the world is it ? Don't be a drama queen ! Everything have to be about you ? Get over yourself!

Theres a thin line between depression and sadness  . It's pretty thin but it's there.  People can snap of sadness.  But you can't  just snap  out of depression  , it doesn't work like that.  Depression is like staring in an endless blackhole... void of emotion and light and its sucking the life out of you . You don't know who put it there or why it's  there,  but it is simply as Thanos would say , Inevitable.

Dr Banda says  sometimes it's enough to just make it to the next day . To stand in the face of depression and say you will not break me . To feel utterly empty and worthless and say , " I am worth it "

I manage to crawl out of my bed and somehow find myself in the bathroom.  I negotiate a facáde of courage and soon I am supporting my frame against the bathroom sink .

The bathroom has an earthy feel. The walls are large format tiles of white honed travertine and the floor is  made of dull brown tiles. The vanities are of a dark wood and the counters are  a brilliant white quartz. There is no bath but instead a huge walk in shower with two shower heads. I stare into the wide golden frames mirror before me . I look at my reflection, I look broken and dishelved.

"I AM WORTH IT " , I say into the mirror with every ounce of life I've got.

I fall to the floor and lean onto the wall .   My lips curve into a gesture of triumphant delight  . A signal of pleasure or amusement.  A smile.  It's a small small smile but it's a smile  .  Five points for gryffindor.