My Boyfriend , Atlas .

20.

You always think you're in control. That you're self sufficient. But then what if one day you just snap and lose control. Arriving at the point in your life in which you realize that you are not holding all the cards . It can rob you of your passion, of your purpose, of your sense of autonomy over your very existence. When we watch undeserving people struggle with debilitating fates, it breaks the parts of our hearts that believe in fairness. In order. In our ability to manipulate the world around us in a way that is meaningful and lasting.

" Chila leta Umu'sebanya .... it brings shame..." , my mother's favourite words echo in my head , " When the first born is such a disappointment to the family ... what do we tell people?? "

" That not everyone has to get married to be happy !" , I once snapped back at her . Wrong move . Tears flooded her eyes and I knew she was going to use the guilt trick on me .

" I just want to hold my grand children in my arms ..before I die Nana .... I'm not growing any younger ..."

Without answer I walked away holding back tears of my own . If only she understood how badly this 32 year old daughter of hers wanted to give her grandchildren too. I just didn't know how.

***

I'm back where it all began ,  the end  . I am the architect of my own misery. There is a story of a righteous man named Job in the bible,  who was struck by terrible tragedies despite being so perfect in character to a point that he cursed the day he was born.  I am Job . Job is me . My life is a cruel joke I don't even know what to make of it . The love of my life is a murderer,  my bestfriend is dead ,none of this even makes sense . My life doesn't make sense.  It's like God is punishing me for something I don't know I did .

" Are you happpy!!!!!" , I scream , " Are you happy God?????.!!.."

When God destroyed the wicked humans in the times of Noah with a flood , he said he would never again destroy the earth with water . Next time he will use fire . 

I get into the shower with a bottle of Paraffin , and light a match .  Goodbye world .

Polish émigré Jerzy Kosinski was known as one of the great writers of the 20th century. He turned his traumas of escaping the Holocaust into controversial novels including The Painted Bird, Steps, and Being There. He suffered from multiple medical conditions and serious depression, and the author also faced allegations of plagiarism.

On May 3, 1991, he penned a brief note beore he reportedly ingested drugs and alcohol and stepped into his full bathtub.

The note read :

"

I am going to put myself to sleep now for a bit longer than usual. Call it Eternity."

A suicide attempt is an indication something is gravely wrong in a person's life. Suicide is a desperate attempt to escape unbearable suffering.

" Nana !" , I hear a voice calling me   , it's Wanji.

" Nana .....you can't do this!!!!....Nana!!!" , he screams.

But I can . I am the architect of my own misery.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I light the match , goodbye Wanji. A huge flame starts to light up.