Jaemin the Icy Prince and Me - Na Jaemin NCT

39. I Don't Know You

He is Jaemin, and yet he is not.

There is no recognition in his eyes.

He does not know who I am.

When I opened that door five seconds ago, I had expected his face to light up with love, I had expected him to fling out his arms wide open to me.

I had expected to melt in his embrace, to burn to ashes in his eyes, to dissolve in the strength of his warmth.

Never, not in a million years, had I expected this confusion, this bewilderment in his eyes.

His hands are shaking.

I am agitating him.

What had his mum said?

"Jaemin's feeling a bit confused."

"He's received a shock to his brain."

"Just give him time."

"Who are you?" he asks again, his brow furrowed, his hands clenched into fists, clutching at his blanket. "Do I know you? I can't remember you. Why can't I remember you?" His voice is rising.

"I - my name is Mina. Kim Mina," I whisper. "I - we were in the accident together. You pushed me aside. You saved me."

His face turns even paler.

"You were with me? But I don't remember, I don't remember any of it. I only remember...remember my mum, my dad, my friends in school...Sara...I remember Sara..." He looks at me desperately. "Where's my mum? My dad? Sara? I want to see them...I want to talk to them. You...I don't know you..."

I kneel on the bed beside him.

"Jaemin," I swallow. "Jaemin, look at me, please..."

He looks into my eyes, and draws a sharp intake of breath.

"I - hurt looking at you...I hurt here..." He clutches at his chest. "I - can't breathe...please go, please leave..."

He puts both of his hands over his eyes, and covers them.

"Please, just go..." he whispers. "Please..."

"Okay," I say softly, rising to my feet. "I'll go. It's okay. It's just the accident. You saved me, and you got a big shock, your brain must have got such a huge shock. That's why you're hurting, it's the shock, post-traumatic stress, that kind of thing..." 

I don't even know what I'm saying, what this gibberish is that's rolling off my tongue so easily, so effortlessly. All I know is that he's hurting because of me, and I can't stay, not a second longer. He doesn't want me to stay. He can't bear the sight of me.

"I'm going," I say softly. "I'm leaving, and I won't come back. Don't worry. Your mum's right outside. I'll call her. And Sara, too...she'll be coming soon. Don't worry. I'm sorry I upset you. And thank you for saving me. That's why I came. To thank you for saving me. That's all. I'm not important. Don't worry about me at all. Just rest, and get well soon."

"Bye..."

I open the door, and close it softly behind me.

"Auntie, he wants you," I say brightly. "He's confused. He can't remember me. Please, don't tell him anything about me. Just say that I live next door, and that he saved me from being run down by that drunk driver."

"Oh, Mina..." Jaemin's mum touches my cheek gently, her eyes sad.

"It's okay, I'm fine. The important thing is that he's okay. I'll talk to him myself when he's feeling better."

"He's waiting to see you, and his dad. And," I say tiredly, "Sara...he wants to see Sara. Maybe you could call her?"

"Mina..." She hugs me gently. "It'll be okay. He'll remember soon. Just get some rest, will you? You look so tired."

"Okay," I say, leaning back tiredly into the wheelchair. "Bye, Auntie. C'mon, Mum, let's go back to my room."

"What happened in there, Mina?" Mum says, stroking my face tenderly, helping me settle into my pillows.

"He forgot me, Mum...he did it three years ago, on purpose, and he's doing it again, but it's not his fault this time, he can't help himself...I've disappeared from his memories, isn't it weird? Isn't it funny?" I whisper, and close my eyes, and the hot tears I had held in check run down my cheeks. "He couldn't bear the sight of me...he said it hurt to look at me..."

"Mina, oh my poor Mina...don't cry..."

"How could he forget me so easily, Mum? I thought he loved me. Maybe he didn't love me, after all...how could you forget someone you love so easily, unless you never really loved that person at all?"

Mum holds me close, as sobs rack my body.

Mum sleeps in the bed next to me, her gentle breathing my companion in the long, cold night.

I turn on my side, and cry, deep into my pillow, so that she won't hear me. The tears swell without control, my lips trembling, my throat choking, tight and constricted, from swallowing down the tears. And the wild anxiety, the panic that he'll never remember, that he's wiped out all traces of me in his mind, in his memories forever. That never again will I bask in the radiance of his dazzling smile, feel the warmth of his embrace, the tenderness of his lips.